Moms, What do You Expect?

Are you familiar with the book What to Expect When You are Expecting? You know, the bible for expectant mothers? It’s the book that tells you everything to expect to happen to your body and to your baby as he or she grows in the womb and then what to expect during delivery. Like many moms to be, I read that book cover to cover. Of course, I sort of glossed over all the complications that can happen and assumed I would just have a normal pregnancy and delivery. After all, those rare complications happen to other people, right?

A few years ago, there was a fictional movie, a comedy based on the book that followed multiple mothers who were expecting a baby, including one through adoption. There’s a scene where one of the women arrives at the hospital in labor and the doctor tells her she needs to have a c-section. She responds: “But I have a plan. It’s typed and everything.”

I can totally relate to this. I had a plan, not only a birth plan, but a motherhood plan. A plan for what I expected motherhood to be like. It looked like something from one of those sweet baby shampoo commercials where everyone looks like they are drowning in pure baby bliss.

And while there are certainly times of bliss, as we know, motherhood isn’t easy and it doesn’t always turn out how we expect. Whether in small things, like our child throwing up in the car on the way to a play date with friends, or in big things like learning our child has a serious illness or disability— what we expect to happen in motherhood often clashes head on with life in a fallen world. As a result, our children don’t always do what we expect. Their life circumstances aren’t always what we expected they would be. And as moms, we aren’t always the moms we expected and hoped we’d be.

Yet while our expectations for motherhood may fail us, we can always expect great things from our Savior. In every moment of motherhood, we can expect Christ to be for us what we can’t be for ourselves.

Four Things Moms Can Expect From Christ:

1.  Forgiveness of sins: The apostle John wrote that “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Because of the fall of man, we can expect to sin, but through our redemption from sin in Christ, we can expect forgiveness from sin. We are clothed in Christ’s righteousness so that God looks at us and sees all that Christ did in his perfect life on our behalf. We are forgiven for every sin, past, present, and future because God expended his wrath for our sin on Christ at the cross. We are set free from sin and can now live for God and his glory. This is good news moms need!

So, when you find yourself frustrated with your children and you say things you wish you hadn’t said, because of Jesus, you can turn to the gospel and appropriate what he did for you. You can pray and seek the Lord’s forgiveness. You can rest in the truth that the Spirit is making you new each day. You can apologize to your children and model what it looks like to live out the truths of the gospel.

2. Grace in every moment: The Apostle John also wrote that God gives us grace upon grace (John 1:16). We can expect grace for all we need. Grace is God’s favor set on us. It’s his kindness that we don’t deserve. We come to faith by God’s grace (Ephesians 2:8). But God’s grace goes further: By his grace, he gives us all that we need to live out the calling he’s given to us. Peter tells us that “his divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3). We can trust God’s grace to keep and sustain us. He will ensure we finish the race.

When we are overwhelmed in our mothering, when we don’t know what to do, when we feel inadequate or insufficient, we can trust in God’s grace to carry us. We can pray and ask for his grace to sustain us, to give us wisdom, to help us put off sin and put on righteousness. Moms, rejoice in this: God’s grace is abundant; it’s a well that never runs dry.

3. His Spirit to be at work in us: One of my favorite passages is in Romans 8 where Paul tells us that when we don’t have the words to know how to pray, the Spirit prays for us on our behalf (Romans 8:26). Because some days, life gets hard and it seems like I can hardly breath, much less put my thoughts into words. On those days, I know the Holy Spirit is speaking for me. Moms, the Spirit is always at work in us and for us, even when we don’t realize it. In our most chaotic and troubling days, the Spirit is actively at work, making us more and more like Christ.

When we are impatient in our mothering, when we find ourselves saying things to our children we regret, when we fail to be the moms we desire to be, we can rejoice in the truth that the Spirit never ceases his work in us. Each day he is teaching us, training us, convicting us, and changing us. He is giving us opportunities to see our need for Christ, to repent of sin, and to rest in Christ’s finished work. So while there are days we may not be the moms we want to be, we can trust that the Spirit is transforming us into the moms Christ died for us to be.

4. His presence with us : We live in a fallen world where life does not go as we expect. But we are not alone. We can expect God to be present with us no matter what we are going through. As Paul wrote in Romans 8: “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height,  nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38). Nothing can separate us from him.

We can turn to him and cry out for his strength. We can know that he hears all our cries. We can seek his help and wisdom in difficult circumstances. We can trust that he knows all that is happening in our lives and in the lives of our children and that he is working in the situation for our good. We can trust that he will never leave us or forsake us. We are his and he is ours.

While motherhood is filled with unexpected twists and turns, challenges and heartaches, we can expect good things from our good God. Moms, let the gospel anchor your heart and give you hope in the face of the unmet and failed expectations of motherhood.

A Witness to Life

Being homebound this spring found me outside in the warm afternoon sun. I’d set up my camping chair in the front yard, plop down, and read a book. Like everyone else, being stuck at home meant that life had slowed way down. Almost to a standstill.

As a result, I saw things I was too busy to see before.

That’s because my typical day is filled with driving. I drop off and pick up my children all throughout the day and into the evening. They take classes at hybrid model schools so their schedules vary from day to day. In addition, they participate in sports and other extra curriculars, including youth group. The past couple of years, I’ve considered myself their personal Uber driver. In addition to my job as chauffeur, my days were filled with writing and ministry duties, as well as all those responsibilities required to keep a household running.

And then everything came to a halt and I sat in my chair in the front yard.

And I saw life unfold before me.

Tree buds unfurled into green leaves. Flowers bloomed and fragranced my yard. Birds chirped and swooped over head. On one particular afternoon, a frog hopped over my foot, a chipmunk popped out of its hole to engage me in a staring contest, and a rabbit munched on an afternoon snack. I then watched a woodpecker climb the tree trunk in front of me, while courting Cardinals danced above me in the sky. All of this life, just in my little front yard!

It made me wonder, how much do I miss when my day is filled with to-do lists and errands? How much life do I miss when I run from one thing to the next? And not just life in God’s creation, but what about spiritual life? What opportunities do I miss to minister life to others and receive life from them in return? What life might I miss growing in the heart’s of my children? What life might I miss from not being in communion with the Lord?

I’ve heard others say they don’t want life to return to the level of intensity it was before this crisis began. I agree. I’ve enjoyed and treasured the talks I’ve had with friends, whether virtually or six feet apart on the walking trail. I’ve loved having dinner as a family together every night. I’ve enjoyed sweet fellowship with the Lord as I’ve lingered long over morning coffee with my Bible and journal in hand.

One thing I realized as I sat in my yard and witnessed God’s creation is that life is always going on, whether I notice it or not. God is always at work, showering his grace upon me and those around me. But when I’m too busy to notice, I miss out on the opportunity to be encouraged by that grace, to grow in my faith as a response to witnessing that grace, and to rejoice and glorify God for his generosity in giving his grace.

Too often, busyness keeps me from witnessing God’s glorious works and giving him the honor he is due.

If there’s one thing I want to take away from this unprecedented experience of pushing pause on life, I want to be intentional with what I do with my time. I want to make life a priority, not tasks. I want to make people my primary concern, not crossing items off a to-do list. I want my eyes wide open to view God’s grace in bringing life to dead places. Just as I did in my front yard, I want to see spring blossom in people.

I want to witness and testify to life.

Change Starts at Home

Over recent weeks I’ve been stunned by the murders of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd. As I watched the footage on television, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My heart grieved for the families of these two men. Then, as I watched the protests on television, peaceful at first, then increasingly violent, I grieved for our nation. So much heartache. So much pain. And compounded over generations.

As I watch the news, read accounts, and observe responses, I want to help in some way. Yet, I feel a general sense of helplessness. There is a broad and systemic problem in our nation. The swath of injustice seems too big and too deep for one person to make an impact. What can I personally do to effect any kind of change? What can I—as a suburban stay at home mom—do to help?

Start at Home

It’s a lot to take in and I pray the Lord will provide opportunity and prompting as time moves forward, but one of the first things I realized I can personally do to stop the spread of hatred and injustice is to train my children well. Racial bias doesn’t come out of nowhere; it springs forth from the heart. As fallen sinners, we all have biases toward others. Every day, we make assumptions about the people around us based on how they look and talk, their age and stage, where they come from, what they do, even what they know or don’t know, and we treat them accordingly. And as is often the case, we encourage such biases in our children from an early age. They hear it in the things we say about other people. They see it in the way we act. They observe it in our priorities, in our relationships, in our responses. They then model what they see in us. Bias is passed from parent to child and forward through the generations.

As parents, we have the responsibility to not only point our children to what is right and true, but to also live it out in our own lives.

My husband and I have had some good discussions with our children about these recent tragedies. We’ve talked about what we witnessed and learned from our own families of origin regarding racism, bias, and injustice. We’ve talked about the biases we all have and the importance of identifying them and turning from them. We’ve even talked about the bubble my children grow up in and their lack of awareness of what life is like outside that bubble. We’ve shared the things we’ve learned from our African American friends— those personal stories which opened our eyes to see how their everyday life is so different from ours. The daily fears they face. The injustices they’ve experienced. The barriers. The assumptions. And so much more.

Training our Children

Training our children starts with the word of God and it starts at the beginning of the Bible. It starts with Genesis. We teach our children that God created all mankind in his image. Each person, whatever their nationality, skin color, economic background, life experience, etc., is created in the image of God. Every person has inherent value and worth because God created them. Whenever we mistreat another human being, we mar a fellow image bearer. Further, as we teach our children the gospel, we can’t neglect to teach them about the beautifully diverse family of God. As God covenanted with Abraham, all the nations of the world would be blessed through his seed and that promise is fulfilled in Jesus Christ. Through Christ, we are united as brothers and sisters with people from every tribe and nation. The book of Revelation speaks to what heaven will look like as all God’s children, scattered throughout the nations, are brought together before the throne of God, “After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” (Revelation 7:9-10). What a beautiful thing that will be!

Because heaven will be filled with beautiful diversity, our lives ought to be as well. As much as possible, our children ought to see diversity in our lives, in our relationships, and in our experiences. Encourage friendships with people from other cultures and nationalities. Get to know people with different experiences and backgrounds. We often fear what we don’t know so encourage curiosity in your children. Teach them about different nations and cultures. Read books and stories about children in other places. Have them pray for different people groups. Find creative ways to get involved with people outside their usual circle. Visit a civil rights museum or study the history of a particular people group. When our children see that we love and cherish the diversity God has made, they will too.

Books to Read

Here are a few book suggestions, some for your children and others for your own heart:

God’s Very Good Idea by Trillia Newbell. This is an excellent children’s book about how God created us all different, yet we are all part of his family. I wrote about this book here.

Window on the World: An Operation World Prayer Resource: This book exposes children to the people groups of the world. It teaches them about their history, culture, and customs. It also helps children learn about the work God is doing in the nations and how they can pray for each people group.

United: Captured by God’s Vision for Diversity by Trillia Newbell. This eye opening book challenges us in the church to experience the joy of diversity, and even more, to seek it out.

The Beautiful Community: Unity, Diversity, and the Church at its Best by Irwyn Ince. This beautiful book paints a picture of the church as both diverse and united in Christ. It is both theologically robust and practical. When we pursue unity in our churches, we image our Triune God.

His Testimonies, My Heritage: This is a devotional, written by women of color, expounding on Psalm 119.

Perhaps you too feel helpless as you watch the news or scroll through social media. You may wonder what impact you can make in bringing healing and reconciliation to our nation. If you are looking for somewhere to start, start at home. Teach your children to love the beautifully diverse people he has made.

For the Distracted Heart

When this crisis began, I came across various memes describing what people in the past accomplished during times of quarantine. Big things like plays, works of art, and scientific discoveries.

I thought that since I was home bound and all of life was put on hold, I too would devote my extra time to some things I’ve wanted to do, but just didn’t have the time to do. I thought I’d finally take up a paintbrush and create something beautiful. I thought I’d write and generate more content than I knew what to do with. I thought I’d finally learn to make my own pasta and organize the school room closet.

Not so much.

A Distracted Mind and Heart

While I have accomplished some things, those big things I thought I would do did not come to fruition. Mostly because my mind was so distracted. I had difficulty focusing and concentrating on the tasks at hand. I found myself thinking more and more about our current situation. I found myself dwelling about the future and wondering what it would look like. I found my mind consumed about things like our health, the contents of my pantry and refrigerator, my husband’s job, and how to help my children navigate this upheaval to their lives.

In Matthew 6, Jesus preached that all too familiar passage about the worries and cares of this life. It’s one of those passages I know so well, I take it for granted. I no longer stop and focus on what it means. Given my distracted mind, I thought it was time I return to it once again.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” (Matthew 6:25).

The Greek word for anxious in this passage is merimnaó which means to be pulled apart. To be divided. Distracted. Older translations say “to care for.” This is a good description of my experience these past couple of months. My mind has been divided as I’ve chased down “what if?” rabbit trails. I’ve been concerned about many things. I’ve put my present energies into future cares.

When Jesus mentions things like food and clothing in this passage, he is speaking about being anxious about the cares and concerns of this life—the whole of our life here on earth. This includes all the things we worry about in life, including our health, our needs, and our future provisions.

He then uses a logical argument of deduction, arguing from the greater to the lesser. Is not life more than food? Is not the body more important than the clothes we wear? Martin LLoyd Jones comments on this argument,

“The argument is a very profound and powerful one; and how prone we are to forget it! He says in effect, ‘Take this life of yours about which you are tending to worry and become anxious. How have you got it? Where has it come from?’ And the answer, of course, is that it is a gift of God…So the argument which our Lord uses is this. If God has given you the gift of life—the greater gift—do you think He is now suddenly going to deny Himself and His own methods, and not see to it that that life is sustained and enabled to continue?”

Paul uses a similar argument in Romans 8:32 and it is one of my favorite verses, “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” If God provided for the biggest and most important thing we could ever need—our salvation from sin—how can we think he would fail to provide what we need right now? Because he rescued and redeemed us from our greatest fear—eternal separation from God—we can rest assured he will meet us in our current worries and cares.

Safe in Our Father’s Care

Jesus then switches to a lesser to greater argument:

“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin,  I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?” (vv.26-30)

In this section Jesus has us look at two common features of his creation, things we see every day. He moves our gaze to the skies to look at the birds. God provides the food they need to eat each day. They are just birds, how much more so will he provide for us? He then has us consider the lilies of the field—the wildflowers commonly found in Israel. God clothes them in garments more beautiful than that of Solomon, how much more so will God provide for our daily needs?

This should make us pause and ask, why does God provide for us? Jesus tells us: “and yet your heavenly Father feeds them…” God is our Heavenly Father and we are his adopted children in Christ (Gal. 3:26-29). We are children of the King. We have all the rights and privileges that come with being his children. We are his heirs of all things.

Take a moment to consider the significance of your adoption. Consider all the ways a parent strives to meet a child’s needs. Consider the love human parents have for their children. How much more so is God’s love and care for us! How much more holy and perfect is that love and care! That’s why Jesus tells us not to worry, for we are held safe in the hands of our Father in Heaven. J.I. Packer wrote that “adoption is the highest privilege that the gospel offers…Adoption is a family idea, conceived in terms of love, and viewing God as father. In adoption, God takes us into his family and fellowship—he establishes us as his children and heirs. Closeness, affection, and generosity are at the heart of the relationship. To be right with God the Judge is a great thing, but to be loved and cared for by God the Father is a greater.”

Jesus concludes, “Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (vv. 31-33). What a freeing thing to know that because we are God’s children, we do not have the same concerns or cares as those do who are apart from Christ! We don’t have to worry about the future. Our minds do not have to be distracted or divided—as those who do not know the care of God for them. Our adoption in Christ frees us from focusing on all the “what if’s?” of life. Instead, we are freed to seek first the kingdom of God. We are freed to focus our minds and hearts on who God is and what he has done, knowing that our Father will meet all our needs for this life.

These truths in Matthew 6 are ones I need to remember when my mind is distracted and divided with worry. These are truths I need to remember when I fret about the uncertain days, weeks, and months to come. God is my Father. He is with me in the present and holds my future secure. I can trust he will provide for me, no matter what the future holds.

Holy Complaint

“I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him” (Psalm 142:2).

Do you remember customer complaint cards? Businesses used to place these cards by the cash register for you to fill out and tell them about a problem or issue you had with their service or product. These days, we receive follow up emails with a questionnaire to answer about our experience with a particular company.

In the Psalms, the Lord invites his children to pour out their complaints or troubles to him in prayer. I think the phrase “pour out” is appropriate. The past couple of months, I’ve voiced numerous complaints to the Lord in prayer. Disappointments. Uncertainties. Worries. Troubles. Concerns. Questions. I’ve told him all my distracting thoughts and swirling emotions. I’ve bombarded him with questions such as: Why? How long? When? I’ve asked him to intercede in my troubles and concerns. I’ve asked him to provide comfort and hope. I’ve asked for provision for needs. I’ve asked for the Spirit to do a mighty work in my heart and in our land.

The Bible provides many examples of God’s people bringing their troubles and complaints to the Lord. We see this most notably in the Psalms, but we also see it elsewhere, such as in Job or Lamentations or Habakkuk. “O LORD, how long shall I cry for help, and you will not hear? Or cry to you ‘Violence!’ and you will not save?” (Habakkuk 1:2). These are examples of holy complaints. What makes them holy? The heart posture of the one complaining.

Central to a holy complaint is a heart that fears the Lord. Such a heart loves, honors, reveres, and worships God for who he is and what he has done. This heart is humble and acknowledges its utter dependence upon God’s grace for all things. That is why the godly cry out to the Lord. They come into his presence because he is the only One who can rescue and redeem. He is the great provider; all things belong to him and he generously shares his riches with his children. He is a loving Father who knows just what his children need and ensures they receive it. Therefore, the godly cry out to him for help and trust in his perfect and timely will to be done. These complaints are ones that honor God and he is pleased to hear and respond to them.

There are however, complaints that do not honor God. A prime example of this is when the Israelites grumbled against God during their desert wanderings. Though they witnessed God deliver them from the Egyptians at the Red Sea, they grumbled against God the first time they lacked food and water. “And the people spoke against God and against Moses, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we loathe this worthless food” (Numbers 21:25). The Apostle Paul referred to this account in 1 Corinthians 10:9-10, “We must not put Christ to the test, as some of them did and were destroyed by serpents, nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer.” Their complaints stemmed not from a heart that trusted the Lord to provide, but from unbelief.

The Puritan, Thomas Watson, called such complaining or grumbling, “mutiny in the soul against God.” He wrote, “Murmuring springs from pride, thinking you deserve better at God’s hand, and when the heart begins to swell, it spits poison. Murmuring also springs from distrust, for men do not believe that God can make medicine out of poison, and bring good out of all their troubles.” Men murmur at God’s providences because they distrust his promises.”

May we turn to God and give him our troubles and cares because we know he is the source and fountainhead of grace. May our hearts trust in him alone to rescue and redeem. May all our complaints be holy complaints. “He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them” (Psalm 145:19).

Christ Our Rock and Refuge

I’ve spent a lot of time in the Psalms these past couple of months. Primarily, because we are discussing the laments in the virtual support group I facilitate, but also because it’s what my own heart needs right now. I need the psalmist’s raw honesty to help me give voice to what’s going on in my own heart. I need to know I’m not alone in my feelings of loneliness, isolation, fear, disappointment, and sorrow. I need certainty in these uncertain times and the Psalms point me to what is true and unchanging.

As I thumb through the pages, there’s a repeated theme throughout the Psalms. Whether the psalmist is singing praise and thanksgiving or crying out in lament, there is oft repeated word or phrase he uses to describe who God is. The psalmist refers to God as his shelter and refuge. He describes God as a rock, a fortress, a stronghold.

“The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold” (Psalm 18:2)

“For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me” (Psalm 31:3)

“Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come; you have given the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress” (Psalm 71:3).

In practical terms, a rock is a place to hide behind. Its clefts and caves provide shelter from beasts and storms and enemies. A rock is also a foundation upon which we stand or build. It is solid and sure. Rocks are used to build walls and fortresses to protect those within. A massive rock, like a mountain, is immovable; It stands firm through the fiercest storms and battles.

So it’s no wonder the Lord is referred to as a rock. It’s one of his many names found in Scripture: “The Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he” (Deut. 32:4). Used figuratively, this name reminds us that we can run to God when we are afraid. We can seek safety and security in him. He is our dwelling place (Deut. 33:27). He is our protector and refuge from the ferocious storms of life. He is our savior and rescuer. And while all around us is chaos, our God is unchanging and constant. Steadfast. Strong. Sure. Faithful. Everlasting.

It’s also no surprise that Christ is referred to as a rock as well. Paul tells us in 1 Cor. 10, that Christ was Israel’s spiritual rock during their desert wanderings “For they drank from the spiritual Rock that followed them, and the Rock was Christ” (v.3). Christ is also referred to as the cornerstone of the church. Just as a building’s corner stone holds two walls together, Christ joins the church together (Ephesians 2:20). “Therefore thus says the Lord GOD, ’Behold, I am the one who has laid as a foundation in Zion, a stone, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone, of a sure foundation: ‘Whoever believes will not be in haste’” (Isaiah 28:16).

Christ is the fulfillment of all God’s promises to be our rock and fortress. He is our true shelter and dwelling place. He is the answer to the psalmist’s cry for salvation and deliverance. He rescued us from sin and death. He united himself to us through faith in his life, death, and resurrection. He made us his own. He is our place of safety. Our refuge. Our strength. Our fortress.

We don’t have to go far to seek refuge in Christ, for he’s made us his dwelling place. His Spirit lives within us. The same Spirit who raised Christ from the dead is the same Spirit who encourages our weary hearts, strengthens our faith, exhorts us when we sin, and transforms us more and more into the image of Christ. What an amazing thing to consider! When we need shelter and refuge, he is so near to us—just a prayer away!

This reminder has been such an encouragement to my heart during these uncertain times. Just dwelling on God as my rock settles my distracted mind. Knowing that Christ is my refuge and that he is always with me gives me hope. I pray it does for you as well.

Father in heaven, You are my rock. My shelter and place of safety. You are my firm foundation. You do not change. Nothing can move you. I thank you that in Christ, I am safe. He is my refuge and my fortress. Nothing and no one can snatch me from him. May these truths be my comfort and strength in these uncertain times. In Jesus’s name, amen.