Caring for Hurting Women in the Church

I first wrote about the church as a place of hope and healing in 2013. I remember reflecting on how my friendships in the church had met me in a dark season and what it meant to me that they walked with me through it. A few years later, I wrote Closer Than a Sister: How Union with Christ Helps Friendships to Flourish. My hope in writing that book was to encourage deeper, richer friendships among women in the church. Friendships that would reflect the “one-anothering” admonitions we find throughout the New Testament. Friendships that go deeper than shared interests or hobbies, that are honest and vulnerable about the real things of life. Friendships that are rooted in our union with Christ. This has since become my most popular retreat topic and for good reason—retreats are a sweet time of fellowship and are ideal places to develop richer friendships with others. I’ve loved meeting sisters in Christ across the country and encouraging them to grow in their relationships with one another.

The past year or so, I’ve been busy on a new book, an editorial project, about how the church can help hurting women. CDM, the publishing arm of the PCA, reached out to me to see if I would be interested in being the editor of a project called, Alongside Care: A Vision for Churches to Care for Women in Crisis. This book includes the voices of multiple authors, myself included. It explores the Bible’s call for the church to care for the Body—to encourage one another, bear one another’s burdens, exhort one another, speak the truth in love to one another, and more. It also shares how different churches have developed ministries to do just that, specifically ministries meeting the needs of hurting women in the church. It explores creating a team of women equipped and trained to come alongside women in the church who are in crisis, what that looks like and ways to develop such a team.

I’m excited about this project. I’ve enjoyed working with each of the writers. I love that it reflects how churches are diverse in terms of their resources, size, and membership and how it encourages readers to take the content and contextualize it to their particular congregation. It is my prayer that it will encourage churches to consider ways in which they can care for the hurting women in their pews.

To learn more about this project, click here.

I Miss Community

Every day when I open the refrigerator, I’m reminded. I see drinks and food I keep stocked for specific people. When I get ingredients from the pantry to cook dinner each night, I am reminded then too. I see my stock of paper plates and plastic cutlery, just waiting to be used. When I walk by my dining room and see the linens folded on the sideboard, cleaned and ready to lay out on the table, I am reminded. I see empty chairs whose seats have not been filled in a year.

These are all small daily reminders of when I used to have people over for a meal—friends, family, small group, parties. I’m reminded of how much has changed over the last year. And how much I miss community.

I miss the spontaneous, “Hey, let’s meet for lunch at that new restaurant down the street.”

I miss potluck meals and the sharing and trying of new recipes with friends.

I miss what the Spanish call “sobremesa" when you sit around at the table talking far long after all the food has been eaten. All of a sudden someone checks the time and you realize you’ve sat in the same spot for hours doing nothing but sharing life with one another.

I miss celebrating special occasions with family and friends where everyone surrounds the person in front of a big cake and we sing “Happy birthday” and laugh as the person blowing out the candles always struggles to blow out that one stubborn flame.

I miss looking at a friend and being able to tell just by the look on her face what she is thinking.

I miss all my church members gathered together, singing and rejoicing together as one Body. While I am thankful that a quarter of us can fit socially distanced in the gym on Sunday mornings, I miss the other three quarters whose faces and voices I’ve not seen in a year.

I miss being with people and not worrying about who might or might not be sick and am I standing too close and wondering is that a frown or a smile under the mask and hating that everything I hear sounds like mumbling but I nod in understanding anyway.

I miss community.

In Psalm 42, the sons of Korah write about being far from the house of God. For some unknown reason, they can’t go to the temple to worship God. They hunger and thirst to be in his presence. They are saddened and grieved by the separation and wonder when they can be with him again. They look back on sweet memories of joining with the throng to gather for worship, singing and rejoicing at their great God. “These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival” (Ps. 42:4).

I feel this longing each Sunday. I also felt it this past weekend— the weekend when our denomination’s yearly women’s ministry leadership conference is held. More than a conference, it is like a homecoming. I love seeing my sisters from all over the world. I love catching up with hugs and stories and fellowship. I love how we pick up right where we left off the last time we met, as though there was only a brief pause to our conversation. I love how we encourage one another on in ministry. I love how we learn from one another. I love how everyone rejoices in the fruit God produces in each other’s ministry. This year’s conference was virtual and oh how we longed to be with one another in person!

We used the technology available to us to connect, encourage, and equip each other in the work of ministry and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for platforms that allow us to have Bible studies virtually. I’m grateful for church leadership which labors to provide worship that is safe for everyone. I’m grateful for all the ways we’ve learned to navigate our new reality.

But I still miss community.

That’s because we weren’t made for filtered connection. We weren’t made to be satisfied with friendship mediated through a screen. We weren’t made for six feet of separation. We were made to do life together. To sit at the dinner table for hours. To laugh and hug and tell stories. To gather with the throng and rejoice at the goodness of God.

I don’t want to grow used to how things are. I want to continue to long for in person fellowship. I want it to nag at me and remind me of how things are supposed to be. So I’ll leave those drinks my friends like in the fridge and continue to keep my paper plate supply ready and waiting.

And I will continue to miss community.

Change Starts at Home

Over recent weeks I’ve been stunned by the murders of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd. As I watched the footage on television, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My heart grieved for the families of these two men. Then, as I watched the protests on television, peaceful at first, then increasingly violent, I grieved for our nation. So much heartache. So much pain. And compounded over generations.

As I watch the news, read accounts, and observe responses, I want to help in some way. Yet, I feel a general sense of helplessness. There is a broad and systemic problem in our nation. The swath of injustice seems too big and too deep for one person to make an impact. What can I personally do to effect any kind of change? What can I—as a suburban stay at home mom—do to help?

Start at Home

It’s a lot to take in and I pray the Lord will provide opportunity and prompting as time moves forward, but one of the first things I realized I can personally do to stop the spread of hatred and injustice is to train my children well. Racial bias doesn’t come out of nowhere; it springs forth from the heart. As fallen sinners, we all have biases toward others. Every day, we make assumptions about the people around us based on how they look and talk, their age and stage, where they come from, what they do, even what they know or don’t know, and we treat them accordingly. And as is often the case, we encourage such biases in our children from an early age. They hear it in the things we say about other people. They see it in the way we act. They observe it in our priorities, in our relationships, in our responses. They then model what they see in us. Bias is passed from parent to child and forward through the generations.

As parents, we have the responsibility to not only point our children to what is right and true, but to also live it out in our own lives.

My husband and I have had some good discussions with our children about these recent tragedies. We’ve talked about what we witnessed and learned from our own families of origin regarding racism, bias, and injustice. We’ve talked about the biases we all have and the importance of identifying them and turning from them. We’ve even talked about the bubble my children grow up in and their lack of awareness of what life is like outside that bubble. We’ve shared the things we’ve learned from our African American friends— those personal stories which opened our eyes to see how their everyday life is so different from ours. The daily fears they face. The injustices they’ve experienced. The barriers. The assumptions. And so much more.

Training our Children

Training our children starts with the word of God and it starts at the beginning of the Bible. It starts with Genesis. We teach our children that God created all mankind in his image. Each person, whatever their nationality, skin color, economic background, life experience, etc., is created in the image of God. Every person has inherent value and worth because God created them. Whenever we mistreat another human being, we mar a fellow image bearer. Further, as we teach our children the gospel, we can’t neglect to teach them about the beautifully diverse family of God. As God covenanted with Abraham, all the nations of the world would be blessed through his seed and that promise is fulfilled in Jesus Christ. Through Christ, we are united as brothers and sisters with people from every tribe and nation. The book of Revelation speaks to what heaven will look like as all God’s children, scattered throughout the nations, are brought together before the throne of God, “After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” (Revelation 7:9-10). What a beautiful thing that will be!

Because heaven will be filled with beautiful diversity, our lives ought to be as well. As much as possible, our children ought to see diversity in our lives, in our relationships, and in our experiences. Encourage friendships with people from other cultures and nationalities. Get to know people with different experiences and backgrounds. We often fear what we don’t know so encourage curiosity in your children. Teach them about different nations and cultures. Read books and stories about children in other places. Have them pray for different people groups. Find creative ways to get involved with people outside their usual circle. Visit a civil rights museum or study the history of a particular people group. When our children see that we love and cherish the diversity God has made, they will too.

Books to Read

Here are a few book suggestions, some for your children and others for your own heart:

God’s Very Good Idea by Trillia Newbell. This is an excellent children’s book about how God created us all different, yet we are all part of his family. I wrote about this book here.

Window on the World: An Operation World Prayer Resource: This book exposes children to the people groups of the world. It teaches them about their history, culture, and customs. It also helps children learn about the work God is doing in the nations and how they can pray for each people group.

United: Captured by God’s Vision for Diversity by Trillia Newbell. This eye opening book challenges us in the church to experience the joy of diversity, and even more, to seek it out.

The Beautiful Community: Unity, Diversity, and the Church at its Best by Irwyn Ince. This beautiful book paints a picture of the church as both diverse and united in Christ. It is both theologically robust and practical. When we pursue unity in our churches, we image our Triune God.

His Testimonies, My Heritage: This is a devotional, written by women of color, expounding on Psalm 119.

Perhaps you too feel helpless as you watch the news or scroll through social media. You may wonder what impact you can make in bringing healing and reconciliation to our nation. If you are looking for somewhere to start, start at home. Teach your children to love the beautifully diverse people he has made.

Don't Forsake Your Local Church

Attend a church for any length of time and we’ll likely discover its imperfections. We may find things we don’t like about it. We may find reasons to miss a worship service here and there. We may even feel tempted to seek out greener pastures.

In the book of Hebrews, the writer cautioned his readers: “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:25, italics mine). For the Hebrew believers, they were likely fearful of persecution and out of that fear, neglected gathering with their fellow believers.

What about us in the church today? What keeps us from attending our local church? What tempts us to forsake gathering together to worship with fellow believers?

While there are certainly Biblical reasons to leave a church—the pastor engaging in false teaching being one of them—there are also not-so-Biblical reasons we may be tempted to forsake the church. They don’t provide for our particular ministry needs. There aren’t enough people our age or in our stage of life. We don’t like the songs they sing in worship. It’s too big or too small. We’ve heard gossip about the leadership, etc…

When we were in Israel last year, we went to the synagogue in Capernaum, where Jesus taught. “And they went into Capernaum, and immediately on the Sabbath he entered the synagogue and was teaching” (Mark 1:21). Have you ever considered the fact that our holy and righteous God, in the second person of the Trinity, attended the synagogue? He knew what holy worship is, for he commanded it. He knew what kind of worship glorified God and what didn’t. More than anyone else in history, he knew what makes a good worship service and had every reason not to attend, yet he did. Faithfully.

As B.B. Warfield wrote: “Have we not the example of our Lord Jesus Christ? Are we better than he? Surely, if ever there was one who might justly plead that the common worship of the community had nothing to offer him it was the Lord Jesus Christ. But every Sabbath found him seated in his place among the worshipping people, and there was no act of stated worship which he felt himself entitled to discard. Even in his most exalted moods, and after his most elevating experiences, he quietly took his place with the rest of God's people, sharing with them in the common worship of the community. Returning from that great baptismal scene, when the heavens themselves were rent to bear him witness that he was well pleasing to God; from the searching trials of the wilderness, and from that first great tour in Galilee, prosecuted, as we are expressly told, "in the power of the Spirit"; he came back, as the record tells, "to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and"—so proceeds the amazing narrative—"he entered, as his custom was, into the synagogue, on the Sabbath day." "As his custom was!" Jesus Christ made it his habitual practice to be found in his place on the Sabbath day at the stated place of worship to which he belonged.”

Churches are imperfect. It’s true. They are filled with sinful people. We will have many reasons to be disappointed and frustrated with our churches. And there will be times when it is appropriate to find another congregation. But let us not forsake the church because another church offers more. Let us not neglect meeting together with the body of Christ because we have more pressing things to do. Let us not critique the church against measures the Bible doesn’t even use.

The church is an integral part of our life of faith. We need the sustenance and spiritual nourishment provided through the preached word, corporate prayer, worship in song, and the sacraments. We need the spiritual encouragement of fellow believers and the oversight of our shepherds who protect us from false teaching and wolves in sheep’s clothing. We need the teaching and discipleship the church provides so we can live out the gospel in our lives. We need fellow church members to walk beside us in the trials and sufferings of life, spurring us on with the hope that is ours in Christ. And they need us to do the same.

As the church, we are united to one another through the blood of our mutual Savior shed for us. Each of us is an integral part of the church body, and without her members, the church cannot grow. “…we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love” (Ephesians 4:15-16).

We need the church and the church needs us.

Christ went to great lengths to rescue and redeem us so that we would be his. He died to create the church, his bride. Let us not forsake her.

Moms Need One Another

The Mommy Wars. It’s a term that’s been tossed around for a few decades now. It reemerges from time to time in the news, social media, and in the blogosphere and all the old conflicts and arguments reemerge as well. What are the "mommy wars?" They are conflicts between women over aspects of parenting: breast feeding vs. bottle feeding, co-sleeping vs. crib sleeping, stay at home moms vs. working moms, etc. Moms take sides on these issues and stand their ground against other moms. There’s finger pointing, judgment, and criticism.

Criticizing Other Moms

Scroll through social media and there are bound to be statements made on one side or other of the mommy wars. A friend might post an article about why breast feeding is best for babies. You might notice another mom friend pin a number of posts related to co-sleeping. Or you might see a friend comment on someone’s social media post, declaring their belief about some aspect of parenting. In all of it, you have some kind of emotional response. You might find yourself judging your friend for what they posted. Or you might feel guilty because you do something different.

As moms, we are quick to critique and criticize other mom’s choices in their mothering. We look down on those who don’t do what we think is right. We get frustrated with people who don’t work hard enough in their mothering. We have little patience for those who don’t bother to do their research and understand all the issues...to read the rest of this post, visit For the Family. 

Social Media, Loneliness, and Community

It was eight years ago when an old college friend sent me an email that said, “You need to join Facebook.” Intrigued by the idea of connecting with people I hadn’t seen in years, I joined. Little did I know how much a website could form and shape my life. Since then I’ve accumulated more friends than I’ll ever know in person. I learn about politics and international news from my constantly moving feed. I see pictures of my nieces and vacation photos of friends. I also read opinions on nearly everything, from the serious to the ridiculous.

Since that day eight years ago, a lot has happened in social media. There are more options to connect virtually with other people than ever before. Don’t want to read paragraph long updates? Try Twitter. Prefer to just look at pictures? Try Instagram. Want to send messages that self-destruct? Try Snapchat.

Lonely Among so Many Friends

You’d think that with all the options to connect with people 24/7, we would feel closer to our friends. You’d think we would feel more loved. You’d think we’d be less lonely. In fact, you’d think that if we were struggling in our life, because we have such a broad network of connections, we’d feel loved and supported by the multitudes...to read the rest of this post, visit the ERLC, my writing home today.