Caring for Hurting Women in the Church

I first wrote about the church as a place of hope and healing in 2013. I remember reflecting on how my friendships in the church had met me in a dark season and what it meant to me that they walked with me through it. A few years later, I wrote Closer Than a Sister: How Union with Christ Helps Friendships to Flourish. My hope in writing that book was to encourage deeper, richer friendships among women in the church. Friendships that would reflect the “one-anothering” admonitions we find throughout the New Testament. Friendships that go deeper than shared interests or hobbies, that are honest and vulnerable about the real things of life. Friendships that are rooted in our union with Christ. This has since become my most popular retreat topic and for good reason—retreats are a sweet time of fellowship and are ideal places to develop richer friendships with others. I’ve loved meeting sisters in Christ across the country and encouraging them to grow in their relationships with one another.

The past year or so, I’ve been busy on a new book, an editorial project, about how the church can help hurting women. CDM, the publishing arm of the PCA, reached out to me to see if I would be interested in being the editor of a project called, Alongside Care: A Vision for Churches to Care for Women in Crisis. This book includes the voices of multiple authors, myself included. It explores the Bible’s call for the church to care for the Body—to encourage one another, bear one another’s burdens, exhort one another, speak the truth in love to one another, and more. It also shares how different churches have developed ministries to do just that, specifically ministries meeting the needs of hurting women in the church. It explores creating a team of women equipped and trained to come alongside women in the church who are in crisis, what that looks like and ways to develop such a team.

I’m excited about this project. I’ve enjoyed working with each of the writers. I love that it reflects how churches are diverse in terms of their resources, size, and membership and how it encourages readers to take the content and contextualize it to their particular congregation. It is my prayer that it will encourage churches to consider ways in which they can care for the hurting women in their pews.

To learn more about this project, click here.

I Miss Community

Every day when I open the refrigerator, I’m reminded. I see drinks and food I keep stocked for specific people. When I get ingredients from the pantry to cook dinner each night, I am reminded then too. I see my stock of paper plates and plastic cutlery, just waiting to be used. When I walk by my dining room and see the linens folded on the sideboard, cleaned and ready to lay out on the table, I am reminded. I see empty chairs whose seats have not been filled in a year.

These are all small daily reminders of when I used to have people over for a meal—friends, family, small group, parties. I’m reminded of how much has changed over the last year. And how much I miss community.

I miss the spontaneous, “Hey, let’s meet for lunch at that new restaurant down the street.”

I miss potluck meals and the sharing and trying of new recipes with friends.

I miss what the Spanish call “sobremesa" when you sit around at the table talking far long after all the food has been eaten. All of a sudden someone checks the time and you realize you’ve sat in the same spot for hours doing nothing but sharing life with one another.

I miss celebrating special occasions with family and friends where everyone surrounds the person in front of a big cake and we sing “Happy birthday” and laugh as the person blowing out the candles always struggles to blow out that one stubborn flame.

I miss looking at a friend and being able to tell just by the look on her face what she is thinking.

I miss all my church members gathered together, singing and rejoicing together as one Body. While I am thankful that a quarter of us can fit socially distanced in the gym on Sunday mornings, I miss the other three quarters whose faces and voices I’ve not seen in a year.

I miss being with people and not worrying about who might or might not be sick and am I standing too close and wondering is that a frown or a smile under the mask and hating that everything I hear sounds like mumbling but I nod in understanding anyway.

I miss community.

In Psalm 42, the sons of Korah write about being far from the house of God. For some unknown reason, they can’t go to the temple to worship God. They hunger and thirst to be in his presence. They are saddened and grieved by the separation and wonder when they can be with him again. They look back on sweet memories of joining with the throng to gather for worship, singing and rejoicing at their great God. “These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival” (Ps. 42:4).

I feel this longing each Sunday. I also felt it this past weekend— the weekend when our denomination’s yearly women’s ministry leadership conference is held. More than a conference, it is like a homecoming. I love seeing my sisters from all over the world. I love catching up with hugs and stories and fellowship. I love how we pick up right where we left off the last time we met, as though there was only a brief pause to our conversation. I love how we encourage one another on in ministry. I love how we learn from one another. I love how everyone rejoices in the fruit God produces in each other’s ministry. This year’s conference was virtual and oh how we longed to be with one another in person!

We used the technology available to us to connect, encourage, and equip each other in the work of ministry and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful for platforms that allow us to have Bible studies virtually. I’m grateful for church leadership which labors to provide worship that is safe for everyone. I’m grateful for all the ways we’ve learned to navigate our new reality.

But I still miss community.

That’s because we weren’t made for filtered connection. We weren’t made to be satisfied with friendship mediated through a screen. We weren’t made for six feet of separation. We were made to do life together. To sit at the dinner table for hours. To laugh and hug and tell stories. To gather with the throng and rejoice at the goodness of God.

I don’t want to grow used to how things are. I want to continue to long for in person fellowship. I want it to nag at me and remind me of how things are supposed to be. So I’ll leave those drinks my friends like in the fridge and continue to keep my paper plate supply ready and waiting.

And I will continue to miss community.

Pray for the Church

Back in March, I wrote a piece on prayer for a website I edit. At the time, we were covering the theme of church/community and it seemed fitting to encourage our readers to pray for the church.

So much has happened in our world and in our nation since I wrote that piece. As a church, we have had to be physically distant because of the virus. And in many ways, we are also spiritually distant from one another. Just a simple scroll through social media reveals such division. It seems that now, more than ever, we need to pray for the Body of Christ. We need to pray for unity. We need to pray for the growth and health of the church. We need to pray for her purity and peace. Oh, that Paul’s prayer to the church in Colossae would be true of us: that we would “be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” (1:9-10).

To that end, here is a prayer for the church. (This is revised version of a prayer that originally appeared at enCourage.)

A Prayer for the Church

Father in heaven,

I come before you today with a heavy burden on my heart. When I scroll through tweets and posts on social media, it grows heavier. I hear whispers and complaints among the saints and I am grieved. I see brothers and sisters divided, sometimes even lashing out at one another in sarcasm, anger, and bitterness. At times, I feel my own growing discontent and dissatisfaction with the church. Then there are those times when I come across articles proclaiming false gospels, seeking to lead your people astray, and I am sickened.

I can relate to Paul’s anxieties for the church for I too worry for your Bride. So I come before today, asking for your grace to be at work in your church. You are rich in grace and have showered it upon us in Christ. You are a good Father, providing for your children all that we need. You are sovereign ruler over all things. You see our wayward hearts. You know of our conflicts. You are not surprised by leaders who fall into temptation and sin. You have warned us and called us to repentance (Rev. 2:5,16).

Forgive me for not loving your Bride as you have loved her in Christ. Forgive me for failing to see the church as beautifully diverse as you describe her in Revelation 7. Forgive me for all the ways I try to do life on my own apart from the Body. Forgive me for keeping my gifts to myself and not using them to build up your church. Forgive me for not praying for its purity and peace. Forgive me for my own discontentment and dissatisfaction, for the ways I think the church should serve me, rather than I serve her. Forgive me for participating in gossip and furthering disunity.

Hear my prayer today as I bring the church before you. I pray for local church leaders, that they would watch over the flock you’ve entrusted into their care. I pray for wisdom as they navigate ministry in the midst of a pandemic. I pray you would also give them wisdom to spot false doctrine and point your sheep to the true gospel. I pray they would be committed to you, your word, and your mission. I pray they would be bold, godly, and blameless. Use them to equip the saints to do the work of ministry.

I pray for the church’s witness to the world around us. I pray we would be faithful and stand for what is right and true. May we not bow down to the culture of this age nor be influenced by its doctrine. Help us to shine a light in this dark world, drawing people to the truth of who you are and what you have done. Equip us and strengthen us to share the gospel wherever it needs to be heard. May we not cease our efforts until all the world hears.

I pray for our unity, both in the local church and in the church universal, that we would be united by the gospel. May we be known by our love for one another. As Paul prayed, may our love “abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment” (Phlippians 1:9). May we show one another honor, put each other first, and serve one another’s needs. I pray there would not be a needy person among us because we always share what we have with each other. May we show forbearance toward one another and forgive each other just as Christ has forgiven us. Oh, that the world would look at the church and see Christ in her!

Father, preserve and keep us until the day of Christ’s return. Like a bride waiting for her bridegroom, sanctify and purify us so that we would be beautiful and radiant, ready for that glorious day.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

On Spiritual Grief and the Body of Christ

Each Sunday since this crisis began, I’ve found my eyes tear up during virtual worship with my church.

Easter Sunday, I cried the whole way through the service.

I cried because I wanted to hear all the voices of my brothers and sisters in Christ singing together praise to our glorious Christ who conquered the grave. I cried because I wanted to hear our voices together proclaim the truths in the Belgic Confession. I cried because I wanted to hear the word preached in person. I cried because I miss feasting together at the Lord’s table. I cried because I miss the gathered Body of Christ.

As I’ve thought about these emotions, I’ve come to realize I am experiencing a kind of spiritual grief. Though I have remained virtually connected to my church body, we are still physically apart. Though I am grateful for the technology that enables us to continue in our Bible studies, small groups, and Sunday worship, it is not the same. I can relate to Paul’s words in Romans 1:

“For God is my witness, whom I serve with my spirit in the gospel of his Son, that without ceasing I mention you always in my prayers, asking that somehow by God’s will I may now at last succeed in coming to you. For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you— that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine” (vv. 10-12).

Though Paul communicated via letter and through fellow ministers with the churches he planted throughout the Mediterranean, he still longed to see these church members in person. I too feel that longing for in-person community.

That longing is there for a reason: We were created for community. We were not made to live isolated and independent from others. We were not made to do life on our own. We were made to image our God who is a community within the Triune Godhead. We were made to love, serve, and honor one another and in so doing, reflect our glorious God.

When Christ died and created the church, the gathered body of believers, he united us to one another through his blood shed for our sins. Paul compares this union we have with Christ and each other like that of a human body. Christ is our head and we make up the parts of the body. We are so connected to one another that like the human body, when one part suffers, every part suffers. I think that’s why this separation is so difficult. So painful at times. And why my heart grieves to be apart.

I don’t know how long this situation will last, but one thing I do know, I don’t want this longing and grief to go away. I don’t want to grow comfortable with this new way of virtual church life. I don’t want to think that I can do life on my own apart from the Body. In truth, I want this unsettled feeling to remain.

And so, I will continue to grieve until the day I can reunite with my church family, until the Body is once again together and whole. And I will continue to long for it as the Apostle Paul did: “For God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:8). 

Lord Jesus, keep your church strong and healthy during this challenging time. Strengthen our bonds while we are apart. Keep us united as one in Christ. Use us to show the love of Christ to those around us. And endure us until we can come together again. Amen.

Don't Forsake Your Local Church

Attend a church for any length of time and we’ll likely discover its imperfections. We may find things we don’t like about it. We may find reasons to miss a worship service here and there. We may even feel tempted to seek out greener pastures.

In the book of Hebrews, the writer cautioned his readers: “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:25, italics mine). For the Hebrew believers, they were likely fearful of persecution and out of that fear, neglected gathering with their fellow believers.

What about us in the church today? What keeps us from attending our local church? What tempts us to forsake gathering together to worship with fellow believers?

While there are certainly Biblical reasons to leave a church—the pastor engaging in false teaching being one of them—there are also not-so-Biblical reasons we may be tempted to forsake the church. They don’t provide for our particular ministry needs. There aren’t enough people our age or in our stage of life. We don’t like the songs they sing in worship. It’s too big or too small. We’ve heard gossip about the leadership, etc…

When we were in Israel last year, we went to the synagogue in Capernaum, where Jesus taught. “And they went into Capernaum, and immediately on the Sabbath he entered the synagogue and was teaching” (Mark 1:21). Have you ever considered the fact that our holy and righteous God, in the second person of the Trinity, attended the synagogue? He knew what holy worship is, for he commanded it. He knew what kind of worship glorified God and what didn’t. More than anyone else in history, he knew what makes a good worship service and had every reason not to attend, yet he did. Faithfully.

As B.B. Warfield wrote: “Have we not the example of our Lord Jesus Christ? Are we better than he? Surely, if ever there was one who might justly plead that the common worship of the community had nothing to offer him it was the Lord Jesus Christ. But every Sabbath found him seated in his place among the worshipping people, and there was no act of stated worship which he felt himself entitled to discard. Even in his most exalted moods, and after his most elevating experiences, he quietly took his place with the rest of God's people, sharing with them in the common worship of the community. Returning from that great baptismal scene, when the heavens themselves were rent to bear him witness that he was well pleasing to God; from the searching trials of the wilderness, and from that first great tour in Galilee, prosecuted, as we are expressly told, "in the power of the Spirit"; he came back, as the record tells, "to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and"—so proceeds the amazing narrative—"he entered, as his custom was, into the synagogue, on the Sabbath day." "As his custom was!" Jesus Christ made it his habitual practice to be found in his place on the Sabbath day at the stated place of worship to which he belonged.”

Churches are imperfect. It’s true. They are filled with sinful people. We will have many reasons to be disappointed and frustrated with our churches. And there will be times when it is appropriate to find another congregation. But let us not forsake the church because another church offers more. Let us not neglect meeting together with the body of Christ because we have more pressing things to do. Let us not critique the church against measures the Bible doesn’t even use.

The church is an integral part of our life of faith. We need the sustenance and spiritual nourishment provided through the preached word, corporate prayer, worship in song, and the sacraments. We need the spiritual encouragement of fellow believers and the oversight of our shepherds who protect us from false teaching and wolves in sheep’s clothing. We need the teaching and discipleship the church provides so we can live out the gospel in our lives. We need fellow church members to walk beside us in the trials and sufferings of life, spurring us on with the hope that is ours in Christ. And they need us to do the same.

As the church, we are united to one another through the blood of our mutual Savior shed for us. Each of us is an integral part of the church body, and without her members, the church cannot grow. “…we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love” (Ephesians 4:15-16).

We need the church and the church needs us.

Christ went to great lengths to rescue and redeem us so that we would be his. He died to create the church, his bride. Let us not forsake her.

One Body, The Church

I recently read about Martin Luther and the ways he depended upon the church body in his life. He often battled intense physical pain and depression. There were times he was in so much pain he thought he would die. In those instances, he relied upon his community—the communion of saints—to help him. They prayed for him. They preached the gospel to him when he couldn't preach it to himself. They walked with him in his suffering. He relied on and rested in the truth of our union with Christ and one another. As he wrote, "When we feel pain, when we suffer, when we die, let us turn to this, firmly believing and certain that it is not we alone, but Christ and the church who are in pain and suffering and dying with us."

As I reflected on this and our great need for one another in the church, I wrote this poem:

One Body, the Church

When my heart is heavy and tears flowing
and my world is fast twirling and spinning
When all I have is ripped out of my hands
and I'm sucked into a Job-like quicksand
When I'm hurt and broken and filled with doubt
and all I've known is twisted inside out

You are there

When accusing voices echo in my head
reminding me of what I've thought, done, and said
When the temptation to sin is far too great
and my desires snap at each and every bait
When I hate and despise everything I do
and feel so worthless, wretched, shameful, and untrue

You are there

When I'm hungry, thirsty, and need a bed
as the bills pile higher and above my head
When there's no work and no way I can live
and my hands are empty with nothing to give
When I'm weary, hopeless, and in great need,
stricken by circumstances that won't recede

You are there

When the door of blessing opens up wide
and life's joys are found waiting there inside
When God answers my heart's deepest cries
and heals, blesses, and provides
When my longings are granted and dreams come true,
my work prospers and all I have is new

You are there

We are woven together, each strand knit tight
My hurts are your hurts, my joys your delight
There's no shock when I confess guilt and sin
You remind me of grace working within
All my needs you meet with love and care
Walking beside me, my burdens you bear

Because you are always there

Christ is our King, our Master, our Head
We are his Body, by him we are led
United by his blood shed for our sin
We are family, yet unlike other kin
Our union will long outlast the sun
as we live forever, worshipping the risen Son

Forever the church...you are there