Four Assumptions that Block Communication

Life these days seems more contentious than ever. Anytime I scroll through social media, I grieve the way people respond to one another. In real life too, we’ve grown distant from loved ones, separated by lines in the sand, delineations we’ve created over tribal groupings. It seems like we can’t disagree over a topic without it causing great division. Far too often, it seems we give up on each other, and instead seek out people who will only agree with us. The problem is, it’s almost impossible to find someone who sees things the exact same way we do.

While there are many reasons communication is so hard, I think a significant contributing barrier are the assumptions we make about one another.

Four Assumptions We Make that Block Communication

We assume others’ motives/intentions:

When we enter a conversation assuming the other person’s motives or intentions, we block communication before it even starts. This happens when we think we know the heart of the other person. We might assume the other person is out to get us. We might assume they don’t care about our needs. We might assume something about their beliefs. Or, on the other hand, we might assume they have the same desires that we do and when they don’t act in a way that is consistent with that, it creates conflict. When we don’t bother to do the work of learning the other person’s motives, and instead assume what they are, we’ll never move forward in communication. It’s helpful to clarify intentions at the start—to make clear our own and to ask questions to learn about what the other person’s motives might be. “Before we start this project, I just want to explain why I’m doing it and learn from you why you’ve chosen to participate.”

We assume others’ expectations:

We often assume people have the same expectations we do and when we assume that, we move forward down a path and then all of sudden discover the other person is heading in a different direction than we are. When we have a shared task to complete and different expectations, little progress will be made. We often assume everyone is on the same page as we are and respond in anger when they don’t live like it. We might assume we all have the same goals. We might assume we all share the same plans to achieve those goals. For example, let’s say I assume everyone in my family will rinse their dishes and put them in the dishwasher. The problem is, I’ve never revealed that expectation to anyone. Instead, I respond with frustration every time I see dishes piled on the counter. Perhaps my family assumes that it’s my job to take care of the dishes and that’s why they just leave them for me to clean. When we don’t make our expectations clear, or seek to learn what expectations the other person has, we find ourselves angry and frustrated with one another.

We assume we share the same terms:

The right word makes all the difference. The challenge is that our words often have many meanings. There are many polysemous words in the English language, which creates confusion when we don’t clarify what we mean by the words we use. Not to mention all various nuances to our words. Or even the way subcultures use words to mean the opposite of their dictionary definitions. It’s always important to define terms at the start. “When I say the word _____, this is what I mean.” Or “when you say the word ____, what do you mean by it?”

We assume a shared perspective:

We all view the world through our own unique lenses. These lenses are shaped throughout the years of our life, impacted by our personal experiences, our own temptations and sin, the sins others have committed against us, knowledge gained through those experiences, and more. Even those who grew up in the same family often have different perspectives on the same event or circumstance because each person’s vantage point is different. That’s why family members might remember things differently. Imagine, for example, that two people are standing on either side of a world globe. They describe “the world” to each other as they see it. Both of their descriptions are correct, but they are also different. One person is looking at a land mass filled with mountains; the other at a land mass surrounded by water. They are both looking at “the world,” just from different vantage points. How much more so does this happen when we have a lifetime of experiences that differ from the other people with whom we are working! It’s helpful to the cause of communication to share with one another our perspectives. It goes a long way in cultivating understanding and empathy for other people, and they for us.

Taking steps to expose the assumptions in our heart really is an act of humility. Seeking to understand the other person, instead of making assumptions about them, is one way we can love others as Christ has loved us. As the Apostle Paul exhorted believers: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Col. 3:12-14). It is God’s love for us which compels us to seek to understand one another. May his grace equip us to tear down communication barriers, beginning with false assumptions.

Can you think of any other assumptions that get in the way of effective communication?

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

Three Ways Comparison Steals our Joy

I recognize the feeling the moment it happens. A friend announces a new opportunity in her life or talks about a recent experience or shows me a material blessing and my first thought is, “Why not me?” I look at my own life and find it lackluster in comparison. I want what she has. It all seems so unfair. I’ve worked just as hard as she has but have nothing to show for it. Any blessings I have received fail to measure up to what she has. I then find myself stuck in the mire of self-pity— feeling sorry for myself that I’m missing out on all that my friend has that I don’t.

Comparison. It’s a struggle we all know too well. Whether it’s hearing about the ministry success of a peer or touring a friend’s new house or watching another child shine on the ball field while yours sits on the bench, we know what it’s like to compare our lives and what we have to someone else. And to want their life instead.

Such comparison reveals the idols of the heart in a way nothing else can. At least it does for me. It shows me how much I live for success or affirmation. It shows me how much I want other people to notice what I can do or what I’ve achieved. It reveals how much I live for the things of this world, rather the things of heaven.

Comparison is sneaky. It creeps up when we’re not paying attention. Yet the more we get caught in its trap, the more it steals our joy. It creates tension in our relationships. It turns our focus inward rather than upward. It tells us that God’s plan for us has failed; we know better how our life ought to be. It causes us to envy rather than give thanks for all that God provides.

While there are many ways comparison steals our joy, here are three ways I see comparison impact my own life:

Comparison makes us unable to rejoice with those who rejoice: In Romans 12:15, Paul exhorts us to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” In verse 10 he writes, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” These admonitions are all rooted in our union with one another in Christ. We are all part of the same body (12:4). God blesses each member of the body in different ways, giving us different gifts and graces. Because we are a part of the same body, the good that God does in another brother or sister’s life is our good as well and we are to rejoice with them in it. When we compare ourselves to one another, it keeps us from rejoicing with them. Instead, we feel bitterness. We begrudge the blessings in the life of another. We want ourselves to be honored rather than honor another. We want to be celebrated rather than celebrate what God has done for someone else.

Comparison pulls us away from community: When we hear of good news in the life of another, not only do we fail to rejoice with them, comparison then pulls us away from one another. It threatens our unity as we strive to outdo one another in our successes and achievements. We compete against one another, forgetting we are on the same team. We stop praying for the Lord’s blessing in each other’s lives and focus our prayers on our own desires. Instead of working with the body, we work against it.

Comparison breeds discontentment: Comparison also births discontentment in our hearts. The more we compare ourselves and our lives to one another, the more we are dissatisfied, because there’s always something we don’t have. There’s always someone who has something more. Rather than finding our satisfaction in Christ and who he is for us (Phil. 4:11-13), we seek after some elusive desire that fades like the sun burning off the morning fog.

In all these ways and more, comparison steals our joy and leaves behind only bitterness, envy, and discontentment. When we find our hearts tempted to compare our lives to others, may we look to him who “emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Phil. 2: 7-8). Paul tells us that this mind of Christ—this heart of humility, of counting others more significant—is “yours in Christ Jesus” (v.5). This means we don’t have to compare ourselves to others. Because we are one with Christ, we have all that we need to resist the temptation. He given us the “same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (v.2) so that we can “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (v.3).

Let us be satisfied in Christ today and rejoice with those who rejoice.

Photo by Andrew Moca on Unsplash

Our Word Keeping God

Have you ever had someone tell you they would do something for you and then fail to deliver? Perhaps it was a co-worker, whose work you depended on and when he didn’t follow through, it left you hanging with more work to do. Maybe it was a friend who many times in the past told you, “Let’s meet for coffee” yet every time you initiate a meet-up, she can never commit. Or maybe someone in your family promised multiple times to work with you on a project and it still lies there unfinished.

Whatever the commitment, when someone commits to something and doesn’t follow through—doesn’t keep their word—we are left disappointed. In some situations, it may leave us in a difficult situation. Or worse. When people let us down multiple times, we begin to question and distrust the things they say. Often we find ourselves depending on that person less and less.

In my own life, I’ve certainly experienced this. I’ve expected friends, family, or co-workers to follow through on something they promised and felt let down when they didn’t. I felt disappointed. I was left burdened. In some cases, it created a barrier in my relationship with that person. Trust was broken—one of the hardest things in life to rebuild.

Our Word Keeping God

For those who have been hurt or let down by those who have not kept their word, there is good news. There is One who will never fail to keep his word. There is One we can always trust to fulfill his promises: Our Word keeping God.

God only has to speak and worlds come into being (Gen. 1:1). His word is powerful; even the wind and rain respond to his command (Mark 4:39). His word never returns void; it always accomplishes his purposes for it (Isaiah 55:11). He makes promises and never fails to keep them. He commits and covenants with his people and always follows through. What he says is true (John 17:17). Unlike humans, who may intend to keep their word, but then something unforeseen happens to keep them from keeping it, because he is God, he controls all things, including the future; if he says he will do something, we know he will do it.

God’s written word is just as powerful: “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12). It teaches, trains, and corrects us: “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16).

Further, the word of God became flesh: Jesus Christ. In Christ, God’s words and promises are fulfilled. The promise of all promises —“I will be their God and they will be my people”—was met in Christ when he came to earth, lived a perfect life, and bore the punishment for our sins. Our Savior brought us back into right relationship and fellowship with God. His death on the cross is a reminder to us of God’s faithfulness to keep his word.

What this means is, we can trust our word keeping God.

Keeping Our Own Word

As Christians, as those who are redeemed by the blood of the Word made flesh, we should care about the words we say. Christ came to set us free from all sin, including our sinful speech. He paid a high price for our words so that God’s word would change and transform us. Even now, the Spirit is at work in us, making us into people whose speech is holy and sanctified.

Because of what Christ has done for us, we desire to image and reflect him in the words we say. We want to think before we speak, and consider the consequences of what would happen if we don’t keep our word (Proverbs 29:20, James 1:19) We desire to follow through on the words we say, and apologize when we let someone down. We hesitate to make commitments we know we can’t keep; if we know we can’t follow through on our promises, we refrain from making them. (This includes promises to pray for people!) And when other’s let us down, we forgive them because we know how hard it is to keep our own word.

Let us rejoice and give thanks to our faithful God for never failing us or letting us down. His word is trustworthy and true. And may our words to others reflect The Word made flesh, Jesus Christ, who spoke perfect words in our place and continues to speak on our behalf before the throne of grace.

What Are You Assuming?

Have you ever been in a crowd and couldn't help but overhear someone else's conversation? Perhaps you were in line at a store and heard a parent admonish their child. Or maybe you were in a booth at a restaurant and overheard a couple arguing. We've all found ourselves at one time or another as a fly on the wall, where we couldn't help but listen to a private conversation.

As an outsider, it's easy in such situations to see exactly where someone else's conversation derailed and crashed. When we're not part of the conversation, we can pinpoint where one person's comments made the other person defensive or where both people completely passed each other in understanding what the other meant. 

While it is easier to see the routes other people take that bring their conversations off course, it doesn't mean we can't learn to identify errors in our own. In fact, the more we develop insight into our conversations with others, the better our communication will be.  

One area we should be on the lookout for is the assumptions we make in our conversations. We all come to our conversations with previous assumptions and we respond to one another out of those assumptions. Often, those assumptions lead to derailment in our communication with one another. 

What are some of those assumptions?...to read the rest of this post, visit For the Family, my writing home for today.

Encouraging Others with Biblical Encouragement

“How are you doing? Really doing? How are you handling your hard week?” she asked. Then she followed those questions up with, “Can I pray for you right now?”

Encouragement--we would recognize it anywhere. It’s like a gentle push forward when we’ve run out of energy. It’s like seeing the familiar shape of home when we’ve been gone far too long. It’s like sitting down to a nourishing meal after a hard day’s work. It’s like seeing the sun after hours of pouring rain.

When someone encourages us, we stand straighter. We feel reinvigorated. We move with purpose and meaning. We are strengthened and ready for what lies ahead.

In our world, encouragement often looks like fans in the stands watching a sports game. They cheer and shout. They might say, “You’ve got this!” “You can do it!” “Go, go, go!” And while such statements are invigorating, they are different than the encouragement we see in the Bible. Biblical encouragement is more than just saying nice things to someone. Its purpose is deeper than boosting someone’s self-esteem by telling them, “You can do it!” And it’s not like an inspiring message from the coach to rally the team before the big game.

The Greek word for encourage is parakaleo. It is used in the New Testament to describe not only giving comfort to someone, but it also involves exhortation, urging, strengthening, and even appealing... 

To read the rest of this post, visit Christward Collective. 

We Need Each Other

We went to Alaska a few years ago to visit relatives. Our cousins asked what we wanted to do during our visit.

I immediately piped up, “Hiking!”

They talked about a few nearby trails, casually mentioning a recent bear attack.

“A bear attack?” I asked in a raised high-pitched voice. “Never mind, we don’t need to go hiking...”

One of the cousins responded, “We’ll be fine. The person who was attacked was out by herself. We’ll be safe because we are together.”

Created for Community

Do you ever think that life would be easier if we could do it on our own? Relationships are messy, complicated, hurtful, and more often than not, frustrating. The more complicated the relationship, the more appealing is leading a solitary life. But as the poet John Donne once wrote, “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.”

In fact, it’s not by accident that we are “part of the main” rather than individual islands bobbing our way through life. God created us to be in community...to read the rest of this post, visit Servants of Grace.