Four Assumptions that Block Communication

Life these days seems more contentious than ever. Anytime I scroll through social media, I grieve the way people respond to one another. In real life too, we’ve grown distant from loved ones, separated by lines in the sand, delineations we’ve created over tribal groupings. It seems like we can’t disagree over a topic without it causing great division. Far too often, it seems we give up on each other, and instead seek out people who will only agree with us. The problem is, it’s almost impossible to find someone who sees things the exact same way we do.

While there are many reasons communication is so hard, I think a significant contributing barrier are the assumptions we make about one another.

Four Assumptions We Make that Block Communication

We assume others’ motives/intentions:

When we enter a conversation assuming the other person’s motives or intentions, we block communication before it even starts. This happens when we think we know the heart of the other person. We might assume the other person is out to get us. We might assume they don’t care about our needs. We might assume something about their beliefs. Or, on the other hand, we might assume they have the same desires that we do and when they don’t act in a way that is consistent with that, it creates conflict. When we don’t bother to do the work of learning the other person’s motives, and instead assume what they are, we’ll never move forward in communication. It’s helpful to clarify intentions at the start—to make clear our own and to ask questions to learn about what the other person’s motives might be. “Before we start this project, I just want to explain why I’m doing it and learn from you why you’ve chosen to participate.”

We assume others’ expectations:

We often assume people have the same expectations we do and when we assume that, we move forward down a path and then all of sudden discover the other person is heading in a different direction than we are. When we have a shared task to complete and different expectations, little progress will be made. We often assume everyone is on the same page as we are and respond in anger when they don’t live like it. We might assume we all have the same goals. We might assume we all share the same plans to achieve those goals. For example, let’s say I assume everyone in my family will rinse their dishes and put them in the dishwasher. The problem is, I’ve never revealed that expectation to anyone. Instead, I respond with frustration every time I see dishes piled on the counter. Perhaps my family assumes that it’s my job to take care of the dishes and that’s why they just leave them for me to clean. When we don’t make our expectations clear, or seek to learn what expectations the other person has, we find ourselves angry and frustrated with one another.

We assume we share the same terms:

The right word makes all the difference. The challenge is that our words often have many meanings. There are many polysemous words in the English language, which creates confusion when we don’t clarify what we mean by the words we use. Not to mention all various nuances to our words. Or even the way subcultures use words to mean the opposite of their dictionary definitions. It’s always important to define terms at the start. “When I say the word _____, this is what I mean.” Or “when you say the word ____, what do you mean by it?”

We assume a shared perspective:

We all view the world through our own unique lenses. These lenses are shaped throughout the years of our life, impacted by our personal experiences, our own temptations and sin, the sins others have committed against us, knowledge gained through those experiences, and more. Even those who grew up in the same family often have different perspectives on the same event or circumstance because each person’s vantage point is different. That’s why family members might remember things differently. Imagine, for example, that two people are standing on either side of a world globe. They describe “the world” to each other as they see it. Both of their descriptions are correct, but they are also different. One person is looking at a land mass filled with mountains; the other at a land mass surrounded by water. They are both looking at “the world,” just from different vantage points. How much more so does this happen when we have a lifetime of experiences that differ from the other people with whom we are working! It’s helpful to the cause of communication to share with one another our perspectives. It goes a long way in cultivating understanding and empathy for other people, and they for us.

Taking steps to expose the assumptions in our heart really is an act of humility. Seeking to understand the other person, instead of making assumptions about them, is one way we can love others as Christ has loved us. As the Apostle Paul exhorted believers: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Col. 3:12-14). It is God’s love for us which compels us to seek to understand one another. May his grace equip us to tear down communication barriers, beginning with false assumptions.

Can you think of any other assumptions that get in the way of effective communication?

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

Our Word Keeping God

Have you ever had someone tell you they would do something for you and then fail to deliver? Perhaps it was a co-worker, whose work you depended on and when he didn’t follow through, it left you hanging with more work to do. Maybe it was a friend who many times in the past told you, “Let’s meet for coffee” yet every time you initiate a meet-up, she can never commit. Or maybe someone in your family promised multiple times to work with you on a project and it still lies there unfinished.

Whatever the commitment, when someone commits to something and doesn’t follow through—doesn’t keep their word—we are left disappointed. In some situations, it may leave us in a difficult situation. Or worse. When people let us down multiple times, we begin to question and distrust the things they say. Often we find ourselves depending on that person less and less.

In my own life, I’ve certainly experienced this. I’ve expected friends, family, or co-workers to follow through on something they promised and felt let down when they didn’t. I felt disappointed. I was left burdened. In some cases, it created a barrier in my relationship with that person. Trust was broken—one of the hardest things in life to rebuild.

Our Word Keeping God

For those who have been hurt or let down by those who have not kept their word, there is good news. There is One who will never fail to keep his word. There is One we can always trust to fulfill his promises: Our Word keeping God.

God only has to speak and worlds come into being (Gen. 1:1). His word is powerful; even the wind and rain respond to his command (Mark 4:39). His word never returns void; it always accomplishes his purposes for it (Isaiah 55:11). He makes promises and never fails to keep them. He commits and covenants with his people and always follows through. What he says is true (John 17:17). Unlike humans, who may intend to keep their word, but then something unforeseen happens to keep them from keeping it, because he is God, he controls all things, including the future; if he says he will do something, we know he will do it.

God’s written word is just as powerful: “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12). It teaches, trains, and corrects us: “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16).

Further, the word of God became flesh: Jesus Christ. In Christ, God’s words and promises are fulfilled. The promise of all promises —“I will be their God and they will be my people”—was met in Christ when he came to earth, lived a perfect life, and bore the punishment for our sins. Our Savior brought us back into right relationship and fellowship with God. His death on the cross is a reminder to us of God’s faithfulness to keep his word.

What this means is, we can trust our word keeping God.

Keeping Our Own Word

As Christians, as those who are redeemed by the blood of the Word made flesh, we should care about the words we say. Christ came to set us free from all sin, including our sinful speech. He paid a high price for our words so that God’s word would change and transform us. Even now, the Spirit is at work in us, making us into people whose speech is holy and sanctified.

Because of what Christ has done for us, we desire to image and reflect him in the words we say. We want to think before we speak, and consider the consequences of what would happen if we don’t keep our word (Proverbs 29:20, James 1:19) We desire to follow through on the words we say, and apologize when we let someone down. We hesitate to make commitments we know we can’t keep; if we know we can’t follow through on our promises, we refrain from making them. (This includes promises to pray for people!) And when other’s let us down, we forgive them because we know how hard it is to keep our own word.

Let us rejoice and give thanks to our faithful God for never failing us or letting us down. His word is trustworthy and true. And may our words to others reflect The Word made flesh, Jesus Christ, who spoke perfect words in our place and continues to speak on our behalf before the throne of grace.

What Are You Assuming?

Have you ever been in a crowd and couldn't help but overhear someone else's conversation? Perhaps you were in line at a store and heard a parent admonish their child. Or maybe you were in a booth at a restaurant and overheard a couple arguing. We've all found ourselves at one time or another as a fly on the wall, where we couldn't help but listen to a private conversation.

As an outsider, it's easy in such situations to see exactly where someone else's conversation derailed and crashed. When we're not part of the conversation, we can pinpoint where one person's comments made the other person defensive or where both people completely passed each other in understanding what the other meant. 

While it is easier to see the routes other people take that bring their conversations off course, it doesn't mean we can't learn to identify errors in our own. In fact, the more we develop insight into our conversations with others, the better our communication will be.  

One area we should be on the lookout for is the assumptions we make in our conversations. We all come to our conversations with previous assumptions and we respond to one another out of those assumptions. Often, those assumptions lead to derailment in our communication with one another. 

What are some of those assumptions?...to read the rest of this post, visit For the Family, my writing home for today.

Taming the Tongue

It’s amazing how a small thing can become a big thing.

A small spark can cause a huge fire. An invisible virus can make thousands sick. A slight turn of the rudder can take a ship off course. A dash of the wrong spice can ruin a recipe. And the tongue, though small, can destroy with just a word.

That’s what James teaches in James 3, “And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell” (vs. 6).

The Power of the Tongue

The tongue can be a sharp weapon. It can weaken, wound, and break a relationship. Unlike a real weapon, it lies hidden and strikes just when the victim least expects it. After repeated jabs over the course of time, a person is left defenseless and broken.

Much of the book of Proverbs talks about the power of the tongue (over a hundred times!). “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (Proverbs 18:21)...to read the rest of this post, visit For the Family. 

When Words Hurt

We were in the car late one afternoon and my children were doing their normal back and forth sibling thing in the back seat. (I would call it "bickering" but was told by someone in my family that "bickering" is an old-fashioned word). I grew frustrated by their behavior. Then I got sarcastic.

Later, after returning home, I noticed my children were irritable. One was downright angry. I finally got them to talk and learned that my sarcastic comments hurt them both. I apologized and they forgave but the exchange was a glaring reminder that I do not have control over my tongue. And because I don't, I hurt my children.

Small Yet Mighty

James says that though the tongue is small, it is very powerful. "So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell" (James 3:5-6). 

Proverbs has a lot to say about our words as well: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits" (Proverbs 18:21). "Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin." (Proverbs 13:3). "Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body" (Proverbs 16:24).

I know that words are powerful. As a writer, I know words can persuade, mislead, attack, comfort, or resonate. I know that words can build up or tear down. They can open doors or slam them shut. They can connect or rip apart. They can bring hope and healing or destroy altogether.

The Real Problem

What do we do when we realize we have a problem with our words? In the case with my children, I could resolve to be kind. I could have that guilty feeling I felt propel me to curb my sarcastic ways. But like the resolve we all feel at the first of a new year, on its own, resolve isn't enough to transform our words.

That's because the real problem is with our hearts. 

Words are one of the greatest reflections of what is going on in our hearts. Jesus said that "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matthew 12:34). James 4 says that our problems and conflicts stem from our disordered desires, our idolatry, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight" (vs. 1-2). 

A struggle with words reveals what we really love most. It reveals what we worship, what we've set our hearts on. Unkind words are not the problem but a byproduct of the real problem: idolatrous hearts. Deep down, we want life to be all about us. We want to be on the throne of our lives and have everyone else serve us. Our words reveal our selfishness, pride, self-righteousness, and envy. They show our desire to rule our own kingdoms. And above all, they reveal that God is not first place in our hearts. 

As Paul Tripp wrote in The Power of Words and the Wonder of God:

"There is no escaping the message of Scripture: word problems are heart problems. There's an organic consistency between what is in my heart and what comes out of my mouth. The struggle of words is a struggle of kingdoms; a war between the kingdom of self and the kingdom of God. The kingdom that rules your heart will dictate your words." (Kindle edition, Location 633, 641).

God's Word Shapes Our Words

When our words hurt others, what we need is the same thing we need for all sin in our life: God's amazing grace. We need his grace, through the person and work of Christ on our behalf, to forgive us, cleanse us, and make us new. We need the surgery spoken of in Ezekiel, where we are given new hearts, hearts that desire God above all else. This new heart is what we've been given through faith in Christ. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17). 

One of the main ways God is doing the work of new creation in us is through the ministry of his Word, applied by the Spirit. Not only do we come to faith through the hearing of the Word (Romans 10:17) but we are changed and transformed by the Word as well (Hebrews 4:12, John 17:17). It is God's active and living Word that cuts deep into our heart, reveals our sin, points us to truth, and transforms us from the inside out. In doing so, God's Word shapes our words. Sinclair Ferguson wrote, "The more I awake in the morning and feed myself with the Word under a biblical ministry, the more the Word of Christ will do the sanctifying work in me and on me, and consequently the more Christ will train my tongue as his Word molds and shapes me" (The Power of Words and the Wonder of God, Kindle Location 1008). That's why David wrote, "I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you" (Psalm 119:11).  The more we dwell on God's Word, the more it overflows into the words we say. Just like our children often repeat what they hear us say, the more we listen to the Word of God, the more we will sound like him in our speech. And the opposite is true, if we have been distant from the Word, neglecting the Word, we can expect our own words to change to reflect whatever our hearts have turned toward. 

Because word problems are heart problems, we need God's grace to change us through his Word applied to our hearts. We need to be saturated by the Word until it fills every corner and crevice of our heart. Then the words we speak will reflect and sound more and more like that of our Savior, the Word made flesh.  

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What Not to Say to the Hurting

Confession: I often watch sappy shows on TV like those on the Hallmark Channel. One thing I notice is that every time a character has a struggle in their life, their friend or family member says some sort of useless platitude like, “This will work out, things will get better. You’ll see.” These kinds of phrases remind me of the song from one of my favorite childhood movies, Annie: “when I’m stuck with a day that’s grey and lonely, I’ll stick up my chin and grin and say…the sun will come out tomorrow.” This song is similar to the 1980’s classic, “Don’t worry be happy.”

Such phrases sound nice. They make us feel helpful in saying them. They even come from good intentions. But in truth, they hold little meaning. Christians have their platitudes as well, those things we say to hurting friends and family members. Perhaps you've heard them. “God will turn this out for your good” “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” “You should rejoice in your suffering” "Your loved one is in a better place now" "This too shall pass." Our platitudes can come from truth but are often misplaced and misused.

Why are such platitudes wrong to say? Ed Welch says that such platitudes circumvent our compassion (Side by Side, p.105). Sometimes, even if a statement comes from Scripture, such as “God will use this for your good” it’s not the time to say it. When someone has just experienced a severe loss, we need to be sensitive to them. When a wound is fresh, we don’t want to add more pain to it. Even something that is true like, “you should take joy in your trials” is hurtful when someone has just learned that they have been diagnosed with stage four cancer. There is a time for speaking such Biblical truths but it’s not when the wound is new and raw and fresh. As Proverbs 25:20 says, “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.” The Bible doesn’t say to rejoice with those who mourn. It says to mourn with those who mourn. 

Saying something like, “everything is going to be okay” is also unkind because it’s not always true. The sun doesn’t always come out tomorrow. Sometimes marriages do fail and end in divorce. People do lose their jobs and homes. The cancer doesn’t always go away and people do die. Sin and the fall are real. Horrible things happen to people. Traumatic things. Things that leave lasting, painful scars. We are not being a good friend when we tell people that everything will be okay.

And when someone has lost someone dear to them, no matter how old they are, or how sick they might have been, it hurts. The grief is real. To say that it is better for their loved one to be dead is unkind. Though it's true that if the loved one was a believer, it is better to be with Christ (Phil. 1:23). But let's not forget that death is part of the curse. It came as a result of the fall. Every time someone dies, no matter how old they are, it is a reminder that things are not as they should be. All death should cause us to mourn and grieve because our world is broken and we desperately need Christ to come and make all things new.

So instead of platitudes, let's sit with our hurting friends. Let's cry with them. Let's hold their hand and listen. Let's mourn with them. Let's pray for them. And let us remind them of the One who wept for them, who bled for them, who even now catches their tears, and who will one day dry their tears forever.