Life these days seems more contentious than ever. Anytime I scroll through social media, I grieve the way people respond to one another. In real life too, we’ve grown distant from loved ones, separated by lines in the sand, delineations we’ve created over tribal groupings. It seems like we can’t disagree over a topic without it causing great division. Far too often, it seems we give up on each other, and instead seek out people who will only agree with us. The problem is, it’s almost impossible to find someone who sees things the exact same way we do.
While there are many reasons communication is so hard, I think a significant contributing barrier are the assumptions we make about one another.
Four Assumptions We Make that Block Communication
We assume others’ motives/intentions:
When we enter a conversation assuming the other person’s motives or intentions, we block communication before it even starts. This happens when we think we know the heart of the other person. We might assume the other person is out to get us. We might assume they don’t care about our needs. We might assume something about their beliefs. Or, on the other hand, we might assume they have the same desires that we do and when they don’t act in a way that is consistent with that, it creates conflict. When we don’t bother to do the work of learning the other person’s motives, and instead assume what they are, we’ll never move forward in communication. It’s helpful to clarify intentions at the start—to make clear our own and to ask questions to learn about what the other person’s motives might be. “Before we start this project, I just want to explain why I’m doing it and learn from you why you’ve chosen to participate.”
We assume others’ expectations:
We often assume people have the same expectations we do and when we assume that, we move forward down a path and then all of sudden discover the other person is heading in a different direction than we are. When we have a shared task to complete and different expectations, little progress will be made. We often assume everyone is on the same page as we are and respond in anger when they don’t live like it. We might assume we all have the same goals. We might assume we all share the same plans to achieve those goals. For example, let’s say I assume everyone in my family will rinse their dishes and put them in the dishwasher. The problem is, I’ve never revealed that expectation to anyone. Instead, I respond with frustration every time I see dishes piled on the counter. Perhaps my family assumes that it’s my job to take care of the dishes and that’s why they just leave them for me to clean. When we don’t make our expectations clear, or seek to learn what expectations the other person has, we find ourselves angry and frustrated with one another.
We assume we share the same terms:
The right word makes all the difference. The challenge is that our words often have many meanings. There are many polysemous words in the English language, which creates confusion when we don’t clarify what we mean by the words we use. Not to mention all various nuances to our words. Or even the way subcultures use words to mean the opposite of their dictionary definitions. It’s always important to define terms at the start. “When I say the word _____, this is what I mean.” Or “when you say the word ____, what do you mean by it?”
We assume a shared perspective:
We all view the world through our own unique lenses. These lenses are shaped throughout the years of our life, impacted by our personal experiences, our own temptations and sin, the sins others have committed against us, knowledge gained through those experiences, and more. Even those who grew up in the same family often have different perspectives on the same event or circumstance because each person’s vantage point is different. That’s why family members might remember things differently. Imagine, for example, that two people are standing on either side of a world globe. They describe “the world” to each other as they see it. Both of their descriptions are correct, but they are also different. One person is looking at a land mass filled with mountains; the other at a land mass surrounded by water. They are both looking at “the world,” just from different vantage points. How much more so does this happen when we have a lifetime of experiences that differ from the other people with whom we are working! It’s helpful to the cause of communication to share with one another our perspectives. It goes a long way in cultivating understanding and empathy for other people, and they for us.
Taking steps to expose the assumptions in our heart really is an act of humility. Seeking to understand the other person, instead of making assumptions about them, is one way we can love others as Christ has loved us. As the Apostle Paul exhorted believers: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Col. 3:12-14). It is God’s love for us which compels us to seek to understand one another. May his grace equip us to tear down communication barriers, beginning with false assumptions.
Can you think of any other assumptions that get in the way of effective communication?
Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash
