My oldest attends a school that goes on a week long trip every year to the beach where they study marine biology. Each year before they leave, the school asks each parent to write a letter to their child which the school will hand to the students during the trip. The purpose of the letter is to affirm and encourage their child. The school often shares stories of children who count those letters as their most treasured possession, even sharing about children who have since lost a parent and how much it means to them to have a handwritten record of their parent’s love for them.
I recently wrote my sixth letter to my son as he prepares to go on his last trip with his school. He will graduate this May and as the days pass by until he departs our home for college, I am filled with both joy and sadness. As I penned my letter to him, I couldn’t help but reflect on all that has happened in his life over the last six years. Of the growing pains— both in him and in my own heart as we navigated the often rocky terrain of adolescence. Of God’s wonderful work of grace in his heart. Of his maturity into a young man whom I truly enjoy being around. And of the unique ways God has gifted him.
As I thought of these things, I shared with him my heart and my hopes for him as he embarks on a new chapter in his life. I pointed out the ways I saw God working in his life. I reminded him of how much I love him and how proud I am to be his mom.
Words of love and affirmation are vital; they are life-giving. Anyone who has had someone simply say, “I love you and I’m proud of you” knows just how that feels, how it encourages, how it fuels us. These words speak to our hearts, to the core of who we are. They refresh us as water does for the thirsty. They fill us like a meal does after a day’s work. They comfort us as the sight of home does when we’ve been gone far too long.
When we affirm with our words, we do what our Father does for us. He speaks life giving words over us as well. The Bible itself is God’s love story for his people. It tells us how God chose us to be his own in eternity past (Eph. 1). It tells us how his loves pursues us, no matter how far we wander (Luke 15), how he sent Jesus to die on our behalf (Jn. 3:16), and that he loves us as much as he loves the Son (Jn. 17:23).
But God is not just a God of words; he is also a God of action. Likewise, love is not just a word or a feeling; it is a deed as well. God didn’t just tell us he loved us, he showed us the depths of his love by laying down his life for us. “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:16).
As parents, we must speak words of love to our children. We must tell them how special they are to us, that we love them no matter what, that we are proud to be their parents. But it is our actions that prove our love for them. We reveal our love for them in what we do.
Sometimes though, our actions can undermine the words that we say.
When our children were little, we read them a picture book titled, Anyway and Always by Bryan Chapell. It was a sweet story about a young girl who disobeyed and her father taught her that he loves her no matter what, even when she sins. I remember afterward, when our children did something wrong and we had to correct them, we would say that we loved them “anyway and always.”
From my new book, Like Our Father:
“You might think, “But of course I love my children unconditionally!” Yet there are times we may unknowingly add conditions to our love. Our children may perceive and receive our love as conditional. They grow up thinking we love and accept them only when they behave, or when they look a certain way, or when they perform at a certain level. They learn this when we criticize them or point out their flaws. Our children learn to associate love with behavior when they see us treat them differently than or compare them to a sibling who outperforms them in some way. They also see love as conditional when we emphasize externals and when they observe us prioritizing what other people think about us—when we respond in anger because they embarrassed us in some way in front of others. They experience our love as conditional when we shame them for not measuring up.
Instead, our children need to know they are loved no ma er what. Even when they fail. Even when they don’t perform as other children. Even when they misbehave. As parents, we must communicate, both in word and in deed, that we love our children no matter what—anyway and always.” (p. 154).
Consider the Father’s love for us and the lengths he went to in showing us that love. May our love for our children reflect the Father’s love. And may they see the Father’s love through us.
