Loving Our Children as the Father Loves Us

My oldest attends a school that goes on a week long trip every year to the beach where they study marine biology. Each year before they leave, the school asks each parent to write a letter to their child which the school will hand to the students during the trip. The purpose of the letter is to affirm and encourage their child. The school often shares stories of children who count those letters as their most treasured possession, even sharing about children who have since lost a parent and how much it means to them to have a handwritten record of their parent’s love for them.

I recently wrote my sixth letter to my son as he prepares to go on his last trip with his school. He will graduate this May and as the days pass by until he departs our home for college, I am filled with both joy and sadness. As I penned my letter to him, I couldn’t help but reflect on all that has happened in his life over the last six years. Of the growing pains— both in him and in my own heart as we navigated the often rocky terrain of adolescence. Of God’s wonderful work of grace in his heart. Of his maturity into a young man whom I truly enjoy being around. And of the unique ways God has gifted him.

As I thought of these things, I shared with him my heart and my hopes for him as he embarks on a new chapter in his life. I pointed out the ways I saw God working in his life. I reminded him of how much I love him and how proud I am to be his mom.

Words of love and affirmation are vital; they are life-giving. Anyone who has had someone simply say, “I love you and I’m proud of you” knows just how that feels, how it encourages, how it fuels us. These words speak to our hearts, to the core of who we are. They refresh us as water does for the thirsty. They fill us like a meal does after a day’s work. They comfort us as the sight of home does when we’ve been gone far too long.

When we affirm with our words, we do what our Father does for us. He speaks life giving words over us as well. The Bible itself is God’s love story for his people. It tells us how God chose us to be his own in eternity past (Eph. 1). It tells us how his loves pursues us, no matter how far we wander (Luke 15), how he sent Jesus to die on our behalf (Jn. 3:16), and that he loves us as much as he loves the Son (Jn. 17:23).

But God is not just a God of words; he is also a God of action. Likewise, love is not just a word or a feeling; it is a deed as well. God didn’t just tell us he loved us, he showed us the depths of his love by laying down his life for us. “By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:16).

As parents, we must speak words of love to our children. We must tell them how special they are to us, that we love them no matter what, that we are proud to be their parents. But it is our actions that prove our love for them. We reveal our love for them in what we do.

Sometimes though, our actions can undermine the words that we say.

When our children were little, we read them a picture book titled, Anyway and Always by Bryan Chapell. It was a sweet story about a young girl who disobeyed and her father taught her that he loves her no matter what, even when she sins. I remember afterward, when our children did something wrong and we had to correct them, we would say that we loved them “anyway and always.”

From my new book, Like Our Father:

“You might think, “But of course I love my children unconditionally!” Yet there are times we may unknowingly add conditions to our love. Our children may perceive and receive our love as conditional. They grow up thinking we love and accept them only when they behave, or when they look a certain way, or when they perform at a certain level. They learn this when we criticize them or point out their flaws. Our children learn to associate love with behavior when they see us treat them differently than or compare them to a sibling who outperforms them in some way. They also see love as conditional when we emphasize externals and when they observe us prioritizing what other people think about us—when we respond in anger because they embarrassed us in some way in front of others. They experience our love as conditional when we shame them for not measuring up.

Instead, our children need to know they are loved no ma er what. Even when they fail. Even when they don’t perform as other children. Even when they misbehave. As parents, we must communicate, both in word and in deed, that we love our children no matter what—anyway and always.” (p. 154).

Consider the Father’s love for us and the lengths he went to in showing us that love. May our love for our children reflect the Father’s love. And may they see the Father’s love through us.

Like Our Father: How God Parents Us and Why that Matters for Our Parenting releases March 2 and is available for preorder now.

Enough for Today

I’ve always been a planner. I set goals and work toward them. I look ahead to potential obstacles and prepare for them. My friends know to come to me for a Band-aid or an Advil or a pen to write with because my purse is fully stocked. I’m quick to remind my sons of their own Boy Scout motto, “a Scout is always prepared.”

If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past couple of years, it is the importance of holding all my plans loosely. To live open handed, yielding to the Lord’s plan and not my own. To trust in his timely provision of grace. As James exhorts us, “you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that” (James 4:15). I learned this during the pandemic, when one plan after another was cancelled—a humble reminder that I have no control over the details of my life. I learned it too when I was in a car accident—over a year ago now—one whose residual trauma made it difficult to drive for a while. My life then seemed to shrink down to moment by moment as I was forced to slow down, to rest, and to wait for healing.

These lessons are hard, but necessary, for they push me to trust in the Lord to meet my needs for today, not trusting in my well thought out plans, lists, or stocked emergency kit. Now don’t get me wrong, being prepared is a good thing. The trouble is when those preparations make us think we are in control—that we are the gods and goddesses of our own kingdoms. When we put our trust in our plans, lists, and preparations rather than in God. When we cease to be dependent upon him and trust in our strength and provision instead.

I am reminded of the Lord’s faithful provision for his people in Exodus. When God brought the Israelites out of Egypt and into the wilderness, he fed them each day with manna. It was a bread-like substance that appeared on the ground each day. The Bible compares it to coriander seed which they had to gather each morning. Imagine picking up tiny seeds each day, enough for your family to eat! Based on how much my teenage boys eat, I would have spent the entire day gathering enough for just one meal!

They had to consume the manna the same day for by the next day it would go bad and be inedible. Before the Sabbath, they gathered enough to last throughout their day of rest. In this way, God taught them to rely on him each day to provide for their needs. Jesus spoke about the manna in John 6, revealing that manna pointed to something greater than daily bread; it pointed to Someone greater. "Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world” (John 6:32-33).

God gives us the grace we need for this day. And then the next day, he’ll provide what’s needed for that day. This doesn’t mean we don’t have tasks to do. It doesn’t mean we simply sit back and wait for life to happen. After all, Israel had to go out and pick up the manna God provided. In a similar way, we have to utilize the means of grace God provides. We have to read and study God’s word to know his will for our lives. We have to pray and ask him to meet our needs. We have to fellowship with other believers who can direct us to his grace when we’ve lost our way. We go out and pick up the manna for this day, knowing that tomorrow’s manna will arrive right on time.

Ultimately, it’s a heart posture. It’s living out the truth that we submit all our goals and plans to the One who rules over them. It’s a submissive, humble heart that trusts the Lord to meet us where we are with exactly what we need, when we need it. It’s a heart that doesn’t fear the future. It’s a heart that doesn’t trust in our own way, but in God’s way. It’s a heart that desires God’s will, not our own. As Tim Keller once tweeted, “If we knew what God knows, we would ask exactly for what he gives.”[1]

How freeing this is! I continue to make my plans. I still prepare for the day, for the week, for even the year. My purse still has an extra pen and Band-Aid for anyone who needs it. But all those plans and preparations must be entrusted to the Lord and his perfect will. My plans may go as expected or they might not. But one thing I do expect is great things from God—for his plans are far far greater than my own.

[1] https://twitter.com/timkellernyc/status/425310026203680768?lang=en

*Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash

Three Ways Comparison Steals our Joy

I recognize the feeling the moment it happens. A friend announces a new opportunity in her life or talks about a recent experience or shows me a material blessing and my first thought is, “Why not me?” I look at my own life and find it lackluster in comparison. I want what she has. It all seems so unfair. I’ve worked just as hard as she has but have nothing to show for it. Any blessings I have received fail to measure up to what she has. I then find myself stuck in the mire of self-pity— feeling sorry for myself that I’m missing out on all that my friend has that I don’t.

Comparison. It’s a struggle we all know too well. Whether it’s hearing about the ministry success of a peer or touring a friend’s new house or watching another child shine on the ball field while yours sits on the bench, we know what it’s like to compare our lives and what we have to someone else. And to want their life instead.

Such comparison reveals the idols of the heart in a way nothing else can. At least it does for me. It shows me how much I live for success or affirmation. It shows me how much I want other people to notice what I can do or what I’ve achieved. It reveals how much I live for the things of this world, rather the things of heaven.

Comparison is sneaky. It creeps up when we’re not paying attention. Yet the more we get caught in its trap, the more it steals our joy. It creates tension in our relationships. It turns our focus inward rather than upward. It tells us that God’s plan for us has failed; we know better how our life ought to be. It causes us to envy rather than give thanks for all that God provides.

While there are many ways comparison steals our joy, here are three ways I see comparison impact my own life:

Comparison makes us unable to rejoice with those who rejoice: In Romans 12:15, Paul exhorts us to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” In verse 10 he writes, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” These admonitions are all rooted in our union with one another in Christ. We are all part of the same body (12:4). God blesses each member of the body in different ways, giving us different gifts and graces. Because we are a part of the same body, the good that God does in another brother or sister’s life is our good as well and we are to rejoice with them in it. When we compare ourselves to one another, it keeps us from rejoicing with them. Instead, we feel bitterness. We begrudge the blessings in the life of another. We want ourselves to be honored rather than honor another. We want to be celebrated rather than celebrate what God has done for someone else.

Comparison pulls us away from community: When we hear of good news in the life of another, not only do we fail to rejoice with them, comparison then pulls us away from one another. It threatens our unity as we strive to outdo one another in our successes and achievements. We compete against one another, forgetting we are on the same team. We stop praying for the Lord’s blessing in each other’s lives and focus our prayers on our own desires. Instead of working with the body, we work against it.

Comparison breeds discontentment: Comparison also births discontentment in our hearts. The more we compare ourselves and our lives to one another, the more we are dissatisfied, because there’s always something we don’t have. There’s always someone who has something more. Rather than finding our satisfaction in Christ and who he is for us (Phil. 4:11-13), we seek after some elusive desire that fades like the sun burning off the morning fog.

In all these ways and more, comparison steals our joy and leaves behind only bitterness, envy, and discontentment. When we find our hearts tempted to compare our lives to others, may we look to him who “emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Phil. 2: 7-8). Paul tells us that this mind of Christ—this heart of humility, of counting others more significant—is “yours in Christ Jesus” (v.5). This means we don’t have to compare ourselves to others. Because we are one with Christ, we have all that we need to resist the temptation. He given us the “same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (v.2) so that we can “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (v.3).

Let us be satisfied in Christ today and rejoice with those who rejoice.

Photo by Andrew Moca on Unsplash

Join the Launch Team for Like Our Father

The launch for Like Our Father is right around the corner! It releases March 2 and I need your help to get the word out.

Like Our Father helps readers consider the ways our Father in heaven parents us and how that then shapes our own parenting. (If you missed my previous post about the book, click here.)

I am gathering a launch team to help me spread the word about the book. Never been a part of a launch team? Here’s what you can expect from joining the team:

• You get to read the book before everyone else! The first fifty people who register will receive a hard copy of the book. Everyone gets a digital copy.

• You’ll receive a few emails throughout the coming weeks giving you ideas on ways to share about the book with your friends, including images and links you can post on social media.

• If you are on Facebook, you are invited to join a private group where you can interact with other readers, myself, and Moody staff about the book. It’s like a virtual book club! Click here to join.

• On launch day, you’ll post a review to Amazon and Goodreads.

To sign up for the launch team, click here. You’ll provide your contact info so I can contact you about the team. This is also where you’ll provide your address to receive the free copy of the book (for the first 50 to register).

Questions? Let me know. I look forward to having you on the team!!

The Regular Work of Weeding the Heart

My son and I recently volunteered at a local nature center, helping to eradicate invasive plant species. The center’s naturalist gave us a tutorial on the plants to look out for, how to remove them, and provided the necessary tools to do so.

I decided to tackle the smaller plants, thinking they would be easier to remove. It didn’t take long for me to discover that while they appeared small above the ground—just little green shoots popping up here and there—below the soil, their roots stretched out wide. I tugged and pulled and found the roots went several feet sideways from the plant. The bigger plants required even more effort, using the special tools provided by the nature center. At the end of the afternoon, we were all sore and tired.

The naturalist pointed out that when an invasive species is removed, native plants instantly start growing again. Their seeds have laid there in the soil, ready and waiting for the opportunity to grow. While the work seemed overwhelming because of how many plants there were on the property, this news gave us hope that all the work was worth it.

This plant removal experience presented for me a clear picture of the invasive nature of idols in our hearts. Those things we love and worship apart from God; the things we place our hope and trust in to make our lives better. All those things we turn to for refuge apart from our Savior—things like comfort, control, success, and acceptance.

Some idols seem small and insignificant. Powerless even. Perhaps idols like that of comfort—one which everyone worships in some form or another. It’s an idol often born out of the need to de-stress and relax, yet one that quickly becomes a go-to savior at the end of every day. However innocent our idols seem, their roots run deep and the longer we let them grow, the more work is required to remove them.

Those bigger idols—the ones we’ve worshipped for so long, it’s hard to imagine not having them in our life—are like the weeds that have grown into trees, blocking out the light of the sun. Over time, we’ve grown used to the darkness. Even worse, we don’t notice the ways our idols slowly advance into deeper recesses of our hearts. These idols are ones we’ve built our life around. They rule over and govern our choices; they reign over our days. Like the removal of invasive plants, it often requires a team effort to identify and remove such idols. This is when we need the help of trusted and godly friends to come alongside us in the effort. We need them to shine a light on things we can’t see. We need them to show us the necessary tools—the means of grace—to use in their eradication. We need their encouragement to continue on in the work, as long as it takes.

At the nature center, my son and I learned that invasive plants must be removed down to the roots. If we just pull and break them at the stalk, they will only grow back stronger than before. This is a good reminder that temporary solutions, while helpful in the moment, do not get to the roots of our idolatry. We need more than distractions or inspirational messages to deal with idols of the heart. We need the transforming work of the gospel, through the power of the Spirit, to uproot our lesser loves. We need the Word of God, which is “living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (Heb. 4:12). We need the power of prayer, wherein we abide in Christ and receive the benefits of our union with him. We need near constant reminders of Christ’s love set on us in eternity past, of his life lived for us, of his sacrifice made on our behalf.

As we identify and uproot idols in our hearts, we must also replace those idols with greater love for our Savior. If we don’t, in due time, we’ll simply exchange one idol for another. This requires a different kind of work, a work of gazing upon the infinite perfections, the gracious love, and the radiant glories of our Savior. It requires a more powerful affection than that for our idols; it requires a love born out of gratitude for all we have received. It will take an eternity to plumb the depths of Christ’s love for us. Perhaps that is why Paul prayed for the Ephesians that they would have “strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (3:18-19). May this be our prayer as well.

Just as weed and invasive plant removal is not a one-and-done thing, neither is the work of weeding the heart for idols. It’s a regular work. We are always on alert for and evaluating our hearts for lesser loves. The more we identify, repent, and turn from idols back to our first love, the more light and life will shine in our hearts. And the more fruit will thrive and grow.

For more on ways to evaluate the heart for those things we often look to for life and hope apart from Christ, click here.

My New Book: Like Our Father

How many parenting books have you read? I’d venture to guess more than a few. I know I have. As parents, we desire to raise our children well. We want to train them up in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). We want to love and care for them in the best ways possible. We want to do all we can to help them grow and mature into godly young men and women.

The question is, just how do we do that? “How?” has been the biggest question in my own parenting. From the moment my oldest came into the world, I wanted to know “How?”

How do I best train and discipline my children?

How do I help them navigate hardships?

How do I know what to say and do in specific situations?

Over the years, I kept returning to how my Father in heaven parents me. As I encountered behavioral challenges, I was reminded of my own sinful heart and the ways in which God teaches and trains me to follow after him. When I found myself impatient at having to repeat the same instruction, yet again, I remembered how often the Lord is patient with my own slowness to learn. In all these ways and more, I found myself looking to my Father as my source of parenting wisdom.

I’m so grateful to Moody Publishers for giving me the opportunity to explore this topic in my forthcoming book, Like Our Father: How God Parents Us and Why that Matters for Our Parenting. In this book, I encourage us to turn from asking “How?” and instead ask the question, “Who?” Who is God? Who are we? And, what are the implications of that?

Like Our Father explores the ways in which God parents us. And because we are his image bearers, we get to image him to our children in the ways we parent them. What an opportunity! As parents, we are often the first ones to introduce our children to their Father in heaven. What might it look like to show our children the Father in how we parent them? That’s what I attempt to unpack in the book. I look at how God is consistent with us, how he provides for us, how he teaches us, how he loves us, and more.

Here is what a few readers are saying about Like Our Father:

Christina Fox doesn’t just offer a parenting “how to” manual, but instead paints a beautiful picture of how our Heavenly Father parents us, slowly shaping us into a conduit of his love and grace as we learn to parent our own children in his strength. Lay down the heavy burden of needing to know “how” to be the parent you long to be and soak in the pages of this book which will draw your eyes upward to know and rest in the One who has everything you need.

—Sarah Walton, Co-author of Hope When it Hurts and Together Through the Storms

Our Father, who art in heaven, help me parent these kids! Every parent knows that in order to raise healthy, loved, and spiritually mature children, we need a parenting coach. In Like Our Father, Christina Fox reminds us we already have one—our Heavenly Father! You'll walk away from this book with a fresh awe for the way God has lovingly cared for you and deep wisdom to help you raise your children rooted in His love. This is a parenting book I will read and re-read.

—Erin Davis, writer, Bible study teacher, and mother of four boys

This book surpasses parenting how-to guides, giving us practical wisdom to nurture kids in gospel truth. Christina Fox faithfully points us to the perfect parent: God himself. Get ready to see what it means to imitate our loving Father and proclaim his beloved Son to our children, fully relying on his abundant grace.

—Barbara Reaoch, author, former Director of the Children’s Division at Bible Study Fellowship International

In a world full of prescriptive strategies that don’t go the distance, Like Our Father offers an invitation to discover the “why” of parenting instead of the “how.” Understanding the multidimensional glory of God as Father shapes both parent and child toward the ultimate aim of parenting--being more conformed to His image.

—Karen Hodge, Coordinator of Women’s Ministries for the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA) and author of Transformed: Life-taker to Life-giver and Life-giving Leadership

Like Our Father releases March 2. Reserve your copy today! Click here to learn more. Stay tuned to learn how you can help spread the word about the book’s release and join the launch team.