Many years ago, a co-worker and I witnessed a deadly motorcycle accident. We stopped at the scene and waited for the police and rescue to arrive. Afterward, I couldn’t get the images of the accident out of my mind. I saw them all during the day and they haunted me all through the night. At the time, I worked at a family counseling center and my boss was a psychologist so he helped me work through it. I never again returned to the intersection of that accident.
I shared here recently that I was in a serious accident over a month ago. I’ve had both good days and bad days since. Unlike my experience those many years ago, I can’t avoid the intersection where my accident happened because it is right by my house; I have to drive through it every day. One evening, I drove by an accident in the same location as my own and my body had a strong physical response. Another day, I drove through the same intersection and was startled by cars driving recklessly and angry honking horns. I cried all the way down the road.
To be honest, there are some days I’d like to never get in a car again.
As a counselor, I know how to help myself get through these difficult moments and how to help myself calm down. I also understand what is happening to me. As I wrote in A Holy Fear, “We are not just physical beings nor are we only spiritual beings; we are both, and as such, each aspect of our being affects the other. This means that our fears can affect us physically, or vice versa…for people who have experienced trauma in their life, their bodies remember that trauma long after the fact, often causing them to feel haunted by their past.” There has been much research in recent years on how the body remembers traumatic experiences. Retelling such experiences can be retraumatizing, further imprinting it in the body and mind. I’ve already seen how my body remembers the accident. This makes me be all the more patient with myself, knowing it will take time for my mind to heal from this experience.
Though I do wish this fear was like the fear I felt before a surgery—one that went away once I woke up from the procedure and realized everything was okay. Instead, this fear lingers on. I now feel like a new driver, cautious and hyper aware of other drivers. Life feels more fragile than ever. The natural fear of harm I’ve felt in times past is more profound now. The world doesn’t feel safe and danger lurks around every corner.
While I know God is greater than my fear, it doesn’t always feel that way, especially when my heart pounds and I feel nauseas and the tears start streaming. Some days, my fears seem large and imposing and I sometimes wonder if they’ll have the victory over me. All I can do in that moment is cling to what I know is always true, regardless of how I feel in the moment. That’s why I’m praying the psalmist’s prayer in Psalm 57, one David prayed while facing natural fears of his own. King Saul and his men were on a mission to hunt him down and kill him. David feared for his life. While in hiding he wrote, “Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by” (v.1). He looked to God as his refuge in the face of his fears. He sought the Lord to deliver him. Some days, the only prayer I can utter is as basic as “Lord, help me!” as I drive down the road. Though my fears shout at me to stay home and not get in the car again, I’m looking to the truth of who God is. I’ve set David’s words on repeat in my heart, “For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds” (v.10).
The Lord has brought helpful friends into my life to encourage me and pray for me in these moments, a testimony of God’s kindness and grace. These friends have shared with me similar experiences they’ve had with car accidents and it is comforting to know that my experiences are to be expected and that things will improve in time. And, if they don’t improve, I will find someone to help me work through it. Meanwhile, I’m intentionally giving my mind and heart a rest.
These fears I’m facing are another reminder to me that this world is not as it should be. Natural fear is a glaring reminder of the fall of man and the pervasive impact of sin on this world. How I long all the more for Christ to return and make all things new! Until he does, I rest in the truth that he is with me and he will carry me through. I move forward one day at a time, facing my fears, and clinging to David’s words: “God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!” (Ps. 57:3).
