When my husband and I were first married, we were mentored by an elder and his wife in our church. Each time we met with them, we returned home remarking to one another how heard and encouraged we felt after our conversations. We felt known and understood. We noticed how much of ourselves we shared with them. It impacted us so much, we vowed to try and learn what had made such a difference.
What was it about our friends that stood out to us? It was how they listened.
We all know what it is like to have a conversation with someone and know that while they might hear what we are saying, they are not actually listening. We know what it’s like to walk away from a conversation deflated because we felt unheard. Often, those are the people we tend not to turn to again when we really need a friend.
Barriers to Listening
True listening takes time, effort, and intention. To genuinely listen to someone else, we have to remove barriers to listening. Barriers such as:
We think about our own responses while our friend is talking: How often do we engage in conversation with someone else and instead of listening to what our friend is saying, we spend the whole time thinking of what our response to her will be? We are so anxious to share our own thoughts that we often interrupt our friend who hasn’t finished voicing her own. While we might look at our friend while she is talking, and it may seem like we are listening, as soon as we open our mouth to respond, it’s obvious we didn’t hear a thing she said.
We Make Assumptions: Another barrier to listening is our own assumptions. We all assume things about other people without having the facts to back it up. We assume another person’s motives and intentions. We assume another person’s thoughts and beliefs about a subject. We assume we know what they are going to say about something before they say it. These assumptions influence how we listen. Because of these assumptions, we don’t take the time to listen to what a friend has to say. We are quick to disregard or ignore her responses. We might even assume the worst about another person and treat her accordingly.
We want to be understood without desiring to understand: This is the greatest barrier to genuine listening. When someone monopolizes a discussion and ignores other’s attempts to participate, it becomes clear he or she is not interested in a conversation, but in being the star of the show. This becomes a barrier not only to listening, but to a relationship as well. After all, if we only want other’s to hear our stories and understand us, but have no patience or desire to hear theirs, that’s a one-sided relationship. And it won’t last.
The God Who Listens
James tells us to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Proverbs teaches us to refrain and hold back from too much speech (10:19, 17:27). This is because by nature, we are poor listeners. As sinners, we want conversations to center around us; we want the limelight and attention. Since the day our first parents listened to and believed a lie, we have been born with a sinful self-focus, wanting others to listen to us, without us having to listen to them.
Despite our poor listening skills, we have a God who listens to us. Our covenant-keeping God remembers his promises to his people and listens when they call out to him (Ex. 2:24). He hears our cries for help, “In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears” (Psalm 18:6). He not only hears, he stepped into time and history and did something about it.
God sent his Son to live in this fallen world among a people who are “hearing but never understanding” (Mark 4:12). As Jesus told John’s followers, “the blind receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them” (Matthew 11:4-5).
Jesus Christ lived the life we could not live. He heard and responded to the needs of his people. He listened and obeyed the word of his Father. He then died the death we deserved in our place. Through faith in Christ’s perfect life, sacrificial death, and triumphant resurrection for us, we are given ears to hear and understand. We can once again image and glorify the God who hears. We can once again listen to, love, and obey God. We can once again listen to and love our neighbor.
Love Through Listening
As redeemed saints, we are new creations. The Spirit lives within us, changing and transforming us, enabling us to love our neighbors as ourselves. This means we can do what Paul commanded:
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).
“Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10).
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).
Listening to one another is one of the ways we love and encourage our neighbor. To show a friend that we truly care and want to understand, we have to listen with our entire self. We listen, not only with our ears, but with our whole body. If possible, we look her in the eye. We make appropriate facial expressions in response to what she has said. We use our body language to show we are listening, such as leaning forward to show interest and nodding our head to show acknowledgement or understanding. We ask questions for clarification and to learn more about what our friend might be thinking or feeling. We don’t interrupt. We don’t even try to fill moments of silence, knowing that sometimes people need a moment to think before they speak. And we summarize what she said to show that we did indeed listen.
To be heard by someone else is one of the greatest gifts. When we take the time to listen, it shows just how much we care for the other person. Listening encourages and builds. It helps the other person feel less alone. It shows that they are important, valued, and respected.
And in listening, we reflect the God who always listens to us.
